Alone Again

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
Climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever wonder what it's like when you are shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
With people saying,"My God that's tough, she stood him up!
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if God really does exist
Why did He desert meIn my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Moved On??

Its been almost a year since I shut myself from the outside world, refusing to talk to anyone unless neccesary. Life is all about work, drink and drunk. Everyone been telling me to put the past behind and move on but where to?? Met up with some old friends recently, most of them are married and some with kids. We talked about the good old days in the hangar. Life was tough then, rushing through servicing, trouble shooting and doig test flight but we enjoyed it at the end of the day. I love to watch our choppers taking off and returning. Everyone of us contribute to every successful flight. All of us were still teenagers when we join the force, we have dreams and plans for the future but as we look back today it seems that most of us deviate from it. Some are doing well and some are in deep shit.

Perhaps that what life is all about, facing changes, accepting changes and going through changes. Only those who can adapt fast to changes survive. There's this book that I enjoyed reading, 'Who moved my cheese?'. It talked about how to accept changes and move on. I thought I fully understand but when it comes to relationship, I failed to do so.

Hangover

Let me introduce to everyone 'Drop Dead'. First we need a rock glass, fil up 2/3 with chevas and 1/3 with beer. 2 glasses of this down the throat, you are as good as dead. I was totally wasted last night.... I didn't even know when the effect kicks in, I was still fine after the first glass, played a few games of pool then another glass. Slowly the effect start to appear and I was gone....

Took MC today, realised that everywhere you go in Singapore, you gotta queue. I queued up for registration, queued up to see the doctor, queued up for prescription, queued up to buy my lunch and queued up for the bus. How much time are actually spent on queueing everyday.

Lost and Found

Woke up late this morning, jumped into a cab and headed for Tuas. The traffic flow was almost comig to a stop due to some serious accident ahead. Took me almost an hour to reach Tuas then I reach for my wallet and realised that I have only 24 dollar with me. As the meter hit 24 dollar, I asked the driver to stop at the roadside and I walked the remaining journey. After I settled in at my desk, checked my mails and stuff, I reach for the pocket at the back of my pants and oh shit.. my wallet was gone. I searched my bag and my desk but in vain. There was nothing really valuable except for...... J's photo.. I stared out the window and felt terrible inside. Not long ago, I lost my handphone containing all the sms from J and now I lost the only photo I had.... I struggled through the day going through motion.

I dragged myself home and just a couple of minutes ago, a man turned up at my door with my wallet. He left after I rewarded him with some money. I looked at the photo and wonder, if only some things that are lost can be found......

Backstabbed

Someone whom I regarded as a mentor actually backstabbed me today. I've always respect him for his knowledge and his willingness to share with anyone whom is interested to learn. This afternoon, he went to my boss and complained about me working closely with outsider on other research, hinting that I am accepting bribery. I learned that there is no one you can trust at workplace.

Being sandwiched between my boss and my subordinates is really tought. I had to answer for their mistakes and held responsible for everything. How I enjoyed those days when I had my seniors for advice and help..... Today I was tasked to evaluate on one of guys on probation who is almost due for confirmation. I had to feedback on his attitude, knowledge and capability. I gave him quite a good grade but I start to wonder if one day I had to reject someone after the probation period, would I had the heart to do so as I am quite close with my guys. From the company point of view, I would either terminate his service or extend his probation if he is below satisfaction but as a friend I wouldn't wanna to take his job away.....

As for those people on top whom wanna step on me,I am not gonna be beaten by you guys. You can try your best to backstab me or find fault with me but I would never lost out. No longer am I going to be easily pushed around. I will do all I can to obtain the post of Senior Engineer in 3 years time. I've seen some engineers who has been push around and totally lost their pride. They have accepted that they are weak and show no signs to fight for what they deserve.. Perhaps you guys can do that to them but defintely not to me. I might not be as knowledgable as you guys but I am smart and defintely cunning if I want to be. I came from a place call 'Living Hell' where only the toughest survive and walked out in one piece.

。。。

明知道让你离开他的世界不能会
我还傻傻等待奇迹出现的那一天
至到那一天你会发现
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲。。。

Hectic Week

This is a super long week for me. Have to juggle between reports and equipment trouble-shooting as my guys are still fresh and maybe I still don't have enough confident in them. Hope that over time, I can slowly let go of those work and just concentrate on my new job assigned.

For the past 2 days I've interviewed 5 people for the post of Engineering Assistant but accepted none. I have to admit that I am rather strict with the interview as I wanna make sure I get the right people. I do feel bad when I rejected an applicant as I was once like them too. As much as I want to give them a chance, I need to be answerable to my boss. 1 year plus ago, I was interviewed by my boss for the post of engineering assistant too. I still remember that I said in 3-5 years time, I wanna see myself as an engineer.... Now here I am obtaining the post much faster than I expected. Alot of things happened within this 1 year which causes the unexpected changes.

My advice to the interviewee: before going for interview, find out more about the company's background. Dress appropriately, shirt and pants is the minimum for diploma graduates and above. Prepare some questions to show your interest in the job.

I have to employ at least 13 Engineering Assistants, wonder how many more interviews I have to go through for the next few weeks.....

Cooked Crab

Just back from Siloso, as red as a cooked crab... Starting to feel the my skin burning. Its been a long time since I last went to Siloso beach. If I remember correctly, the last time I went there was last year May. It had changed alot, sheltered carparks, lots of retail outlets, pubs, cafe....

After Sentosa, I went to Cafe Cartel at PS. I remembered we had to placed our orders at the counter in the past but now with a 10% service charge, the service was much improved. I was offered ice water and bread even without asking for it. I looked around and within minutes, a waiter appeared infront of me asking if I have any needs. I would give 10/10 for their service.

Haiz.. gotta start working again tomorrow. I really hate working since my promotion..

Long weekends

This is the first time I am not working over the weekends for the past 1 year plus. Feel so good, never been so free..... The reason I am happy about Saturday in the past is because i can knock off at 5pm. Now that I looked back, how pathetic I was... The ironic thing about of my promotion is that my gross pay is less then before due to OT allowance. Thought I am not entittled to OT allowance anymore but I have more free time to myself. I can finally afford the time to do some voluntary work. I used to be able to earn 3K plus a month when I work 7 days a week. Now i am only able to reach slightly below 3k but I have all the weekends to myself.

Engineer......Goodbye

Today is my third day being an engineer, although I had mentally prepared for the negative comments, but guess I am not well prepared. When I was promoted to senior engineering assistant last year, alot of people were unhappy about it because they feel its too fast. I worked my ass off wanting to prove that I am worth it. For 8 months, I worked almost 7 days a week till I almost collapse... I proved to my boss that he didn't make the wrong choice in promoting me and he promoted me again when there is a vacancy this year. But I was wrong, now that I am promoted again, the negative feedback was worst... It much more than I could handle.

Everyone worked hard hoping for promotion, pay rise and better life. So what did I do wrong?? My promotion did not caused anyone to be demoted or suffer a pay cut. Ask yourself you people out there, if you were offered a promotion or a pay raise, would you reject it??

After 3 days into my promotion, here am I typing my resignation letter.... Maybe its wrong to work hard and outshine others. I should have just walked the same pace as others... Everyone has dreams..maybe to some, its just a job but to me its more than just a job. My interest in engineering, a place for me to find back my confident and a promise I made......

I am giving myself till end of this month hoping things will settle down. I'm going to work with my resignation letter in my bag everyday. Will tender anytime if I can't take it.

Did I hear it correctly??

This evening, I received a call from HR that I am no longer need to clock in and out starting from today. I was like 'huh? I don't understand.' 'Aren't you informed that you are promoted as of today to executive level as an engineer?' 'Huh? okay thanks.'

I hung up the phone and rush to my boss for an answer. He turned to me and handed me the leter of appointment. He brought me to a room and explained to me the role of an engineer.

This one year plus of hard work has finally paid off. When I was promoted to senior engineering assistant last year, I told myself I will give myself 2 years to climb to executive level. After 8 months here I am in this position.

Wonder how others will react when they know about it tomorrow......

Almost there...

Boss told me today that he will be submitting my promotion for engineer within these few days. If nothing goes wrong, I will be promoted with a month time. Wow... Engineer??? Being an engineer is nothing as I mentioned in my previous blog that any fresh poly grad can be an engineer too. But being an engineer in a MNC where the minimum criterial is degree is something I would never dream of achieving within such a short time.

I joined this company in September'04 as engineering assistant, promoted to senior engineering assistant in July'05 and engineer in April'06 if everything goes well. I am mentally prepared for the storm to come as I had created a big storm when I was promoted to senior engineering assistant last year. There will bound be have people talking behind my back and stuff... As long as I am clear that I worked hard to earn it and my conscience is clear.

Perhaps I am consider lucky as the celling for most engineering assistant is limited to senior engineering assistant. I always believe that luck equal to preparation meets opportunity. I had been preparing myself all these while and finally the opportunity has arrived.

How I wish I can share my joy with her right now... but she will never get to know about it. I promised her in the past before that I would climb to the post of engineer someday and I have did it but she is gone forever.... If things didn't go wrong, this promotion could have been my best wedding gift....

Cat and mouse

Just completed e-filing for my income tax... Sigh...guess its gonna cost me a bomb this year. I had to run the show today as boss is on leave. Heard from my colleague that my juniors are all afraid of me....because of my no nonsense attitude?? I used to joke and play around when I was a junior too. But nowadays.....I only joke or play after all work is completed. I have to make sure nothing goes wrong as this is the critical period for me to proof my capability. One mistake and I am gone. People always tend to catch you doing wrong than to spot you doing right.

Been through 2 audit today...real tired. One thing about audit is that we always prepare for than necessary. Maybe we took one whole day to clean up the place, to tidy up the documentation and history records,the auditors will only spend 5 minutes or less checking through. Having gone through quite a few audits being back in the force, I realized that the auditor always have a way to fault you for something. You can check through everything countless time but they will spot the one and only thing you missed. Its a game of hide and seek, you try to hide while they try to seek.

San Medin

Feel so lazy today...left office at 4pm and bought a bottle of red wine and some VCD preparing to stay at home through the night. Just finished watching 'All About Love' by Andy Lau. Losing the person you love once is painful how about losing twice??

I've finish a bottle of red wine and now I am half sober.... God, Please bless her with all happiness

Friday Night

Its friday night and here I am writing my blog. Haiz...feel so tired today. A few friends called to ask me out for a drink but I rejected all. Time really flies, its March again. Last year during March.....

If given a choice....

A friend of mine told me that alot of people worked equally hard as me but not that lucky to be recognised by their superior for the hard work and talent. Even though I moved out of my field and enter a totally different field, I was able to be ranked among the top. Most people dread changes, especially in their career. Starting all over again learning new things and worst of all to be good in it. I managed to attain the post others took years to reach within months and the salary my peers yearn to have. But do they know what I've gone through all these while?? I've never planned for all these to happen. It all begin when I lost J..... The day I lost her, I lost the drive to work and couple of months later I prepared to tender my resignation. I wanted to start afresh somewhere new then boom.. I was promoted. After which, I spent every day working and working. I worked almost 24hrs a day because I am afraid to be alone... I have no friends, I was like a zombie.... I refused to talk much and I didn't see daylight for a long time. I left for work at 5am and knock off after 10pm follow by drinking till I dropped or worked through the night. I would cry or laugh without a reason.

In fact, I envy everyone of you out there. You have your love ones by your side be it good or bad. Life isn't just about bread and butter, money and status are just superficial. So what if I am highly look upon at work, how long will all these last before someone even better replace me the way I replaced others.

Dear friends, cherish whom you have right before you. No one can turn back time and undo the wrong. If I am given the choice, I would not hesitate to give up everything to be with the one I love. I would rather live a simple life and spend every minute possible together. For those of you who have not realised, it time to stop and do some soul searching. Think of your love ones waiting for you at home, caring for you. Don't wait till you lost it before you are sorry.

Show Me The Money

After 32 hrs of work, I finally get to rest today. Went swimming in the morning, its been quite some time since I last had a swim. I love the feel of being in the water, so relax and calm....
Went North Point after my swimming and sat at Starbucks for some nice coffee while browsing through the magazine. Life had never felt this good for a long time.

Last evening after I issued the pay slips to my juniors, they were happily disscussing about their salary. After a month of hard work, everyone was satisfied with what they got. Perhaps if I were at their age, I too would be happy with a monthly salary of 2.5k but at my age....I don't think so. Even with my current salary of 3K plus it was barely enough for me to survive. Where did all the money gone?? I didn't spend it on any branded clothes or electronic gadgets like others but it just disappear....

Okay let's go through it, after the stupid CPF and stuffs I got back about slightly over 2.5K. 600 for family allowance, 600 for my credit card, 300 for my phone bills, 600 for Giro on I don't know what, maybe some insurances and more bills. I am actually left with 400 for my transport, beer and food. How pathetic....That all I am left with after 260 hrs of hard work every month??

Heaven Knows???

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up
Till I close my eyes
She is everywhere I go
She's all I know

So tell me where do I start
Cause its breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go....

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows

And all I could do is hope about it
Cause heaven knows.....

..........

Just got back back from work an hour ago and I am returning to work right after I finish this blog. Haiz..... Sometimes I wonder when will I collapse and never to wake up again...

Just night I dreamt of her again, one moment she was in my arms and the next moment she said sorry to me and disappeared into the darkness. I tried to hold on to her hands but it slipped through my fingers. I ran towards the direction she disappeared but I just couldn't see her again... I woke up and felt the wetness in my eyes. At that very moment, I really wish to call her and tell her how badly I miss her but I can't.... I promised myself not to disturb her new life, she had found someone she love and is living very happily now. I should be happy for her. I shouldn't cause any disturbance to her anymore......

Time to get back to work....

Show me the power

Just ended my training on the sandbag. The wounds on my knuckles opened up again. I couldn't feel the power being delivered to the sandbag no matter how hard I gave. What's wrong with me?? I can feel that I am weaker than the past physically or mentally.

Last evening I attended a colleague's wedding. It was a malay wedding held in the community centre. I always treat her like my younger sister though I scolded her alot at work but we still maintain a good relationship. Met up with some former colleagues at the dinner, we chatted about our work and lives. I feel that everyone had moved on to a new platform while I am not. Perhaps I should try out as a service engineer too.... My boss sat next table to me but I pretend not to see him at the dinner. I always had this habbit of avoiding my boss outside work. Wonder if he is pissed by that??

I feel so tired...... Tired of work, tired of life, tired of being me......

Ouch....

Finally I took a day off today. Went for a jog in the morning and practised boxing in the afternoon. I have really gone downhill, just few minutes on the sandbag and I was panting real hard. When I removed my gloves, my knuckes were bleeding. Its time for me to really train up, no drinking for the next 2 months. Have to jog every morning at 5am to build up my staminia and really work on the sandbag after work.

I really had to thank my guys for their hardwork which allows me to take a day off with worries. Although I do screw them up at times...ok ok most of the time but I do appreciate what they had done. When I see them, I think of the days when I first joined this company..... Now with all the responsibilities on me, what I am doing have deviate from my inital job scope. But being able to be exposed to more things allow me to gain more knowlege. Although there are times I really wish to walk away or hide behind my boss but everytime I manage to solve the problem, I accquire a new skill. Managing people is a new thing I am learning now. You gotta earn their respect and trust in your decision. I used to be there when they are working on something however from the management point, if I had to be there everytime then I am not worth being leader.

My boss is coming back from Japan tomorrow, have to attend weekly meeting at 8.30am in the morning follow by discussion with him on the existing problem, future planning and report on the status of the studies....

My legs are starting to ache now....

Day 1 without HP

I got through the day without any Hp today. I couldn't return any paging when I am out of the office and my vendors couldn't contact me at all. I felt quite uncomfortable initially as my Hp served as my time teller too. As the day passed, I got used to it and my guys passed their Hp to me when they heard my name in the PA system or simply called back on my behalf. Received my new SIM card when I was home but I didn't feel the urge to activate it. Maybe will just hold on to it for the time being. Perhaps one good thing about uncontactable is I can sleep peacefully through the night without any calls from the company.

I told my colleague to pass my 'red packet' to another colleague on Friday night as I am not going for the wedding dinner. He turned to me and said, ' Can you stop being so anti-social?? You haven't really talked to anymore for more than half a year, everyone's calling you a freak. You were so talkative when I first knew you.....'

I didn't realised that for the past half year or so, I had accquire so many nickname, someone called me a workaholic as they see me day and night in the company, some called me a pilot as they find me arrogant and I was promoted fastest in the company, boss no.2 when I lead the group and now a freak as I don't really talk to anyone unless its about work. I guess whatever you do, someone bound to have some comment. Its tired to live your life worrying about what others say about you so why bother as long as I know I deserve what I am having.