A simple frog story

Been working 14 hours straight for the past 2 days. Knock off at 5.30pm today and head straight home for a nice dinner and sleep. Maybe its due to stress, even when I am sleeping, I dreamt of work and all the datas. Didn't really get to have a good rest....

Feels so tired physically but just can't get back to sleep.... Quite some time ago, I talked about sales engineer in my blog. I mentioned that sales engineer are just salesman selling engineering products. They can't really be consider as engineer, perhaps I was too harsh on my comment. I come in contact with alot of sales engineer. I would say most of them have little or no knowledge of the product they are selling. But one of them changed my thinking or at least let me know that not all sales engineer are of what I thought. Cheryl, my vendor was very much different from the other sales engineer I had came across in the past. Not only was she sincere, at the same time she possess great knowledge of the product she was handling.

As we were chatting today, she told me the difficulties of being a sales and application engineer. Firstly is stress over meetig the sales quota then is trying to treat her customers as friends but people always have the impression that she is fake. To my surprise, she told me that sometimes she feel boring as she has not much friends. which is totally opposite from my thinking. I used to thought that being a sales engineer you get to move around different industries and meeting alot of people, therefore widening the circle of contacts.

Recently I was being offered the position of sales and application engineer but after hearing her side of story, I really wonder if I should take up the challenge. One thing for sure, there is no turning back once I choose to leave. Even if I have any regrets, I have to bite the bullet and live with it. Although its still in the engineering line but end of the day its about sales. Somehow its seems to be demotion for me to go into this line. From the role of a buyer to the role of the seller.

Few days ago as I mentioned about to my resignation to one of my assistants, she actually threaten to resign if I choose to leave.... Hope that she was just kidding with me. Everone goes through changes in life. Like it or not, nothing in this world stay forever, not even your love ones. Adapting changes, you will survive, rejecting changes, you will be be thrown behind.

The best analogy to my situation would be...... a tapole swimming happily in a small puddle of water used to think that it owns the world . As it grows into a frog and slowly surface out of the water, it realise that actually the world is so big outside and the existence of the puddle of water doesn't mean a thing to the world. So now the frog had to move on to find a place of its own.

Where is the ending??

Sight... it's ony Monday and I knocked off at 12am.... This afternoon is the 4th time I talked to my boss about my resignation. Still the same reply from him, to help him till end of the year and he will discuss with me again next time....

After hearing about J's marriage, I really lost all fighting spirit. Didn't really wanna do much today but still have to keep things moving. I still have to be responsible for the people under me and the people above me. Can't possibly let my personal problems affect everyone's work. Dragged myself to analysis some datas and give direction on next test. Tried very hard to control my temper and keep calm throughout the day.

Only wanna stay drunk every minute of my life and escape from reality.

There is an executives' dinner tomorrow evening, told my boss that I don't feel like going but he still want me to be there.... Another boring evening tomorrow entertaining the managers and VP.

Still Alive

Woke up in the evening today, feel so disappointed and lost of direction.... Supposed to go back to company today as I promised my boss but was really not in the mood to work. Its gonna be Monday tomorrow.. sigh.... I must not let my mood affect my work, no matter how I am feeling, I am still be responsible to my company, my boss and all my assistants. A few days ago, I just reprimanded my assistant for bringing her personal emotion to work. Come to think of it, we are all human.... Still remember when I first broke off with J, I was very down too but I use it as a strength. I worked real hard and eventually got to where I am today. Why can't I turned it into my strength again this time and aim for a higher position??? Perhaps during that period, I still have friends helping me to get over and supported me at work. But now all I have is myself at work. Why cant my assistants be understanding about my difficulties at time?? Most of my assistants were chosen by myself but in the end, why is there a big gap between us??? I wanted to be with them like friends too, but I can't. If I were to be too friendly with my assistants, I can't get things done fast and my boss would feel that I can't lead them. They just don't understand this....

Recently I have been hanging out with Ken and keith most of the time. Perhaps what we have in common is we all done pretty well in our career but failed in relationship. Ken broke off with his gf 3 years ago and went to US to mend his heart for 2 years, Keith is now going through divorce and me... buried myself in work holding on to a false hope.

Take my life....

Last night J told me she is getting married soon. I spent the whole night lying on the bed looking at the ceiling. I could feel tears flowing down my cheek, yes I cried... Why is this happening to me again? Its been more than a year since we ended but why am I still hanging on to?? I remember every little thing that she told me and everything we went through together flashed through my mind just like watching someone else's story........

This morning I went back to office hoping to buried myself in work. But she was all I have in my mind. After work I met Ken and Keith for a drink. Why am I still alive today??? I really hate you. Why did you let me see her again after I given up all hopes of ever contacting her?? If you feel that I haven't gone through enough, take my life too. Promise me that you will bring joy and laughter to her life, promise me that she would not shed a single tear of sadness that's all I asked of you. I told you before that nothing else matter to me more than her happiness. I am all yours to take...

You told me to let go and you will mend my heart but you didn't.... I have given up all hopes in life. What's the point of keeping me alive to go through all this?? You told me that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel someday but what do I get in the end??? I hanged on, I worked hard, I do everything I could with all my best..... But all I get was disappointment time and again. If there's is something you can do for me, give her all the happiness you can and let me have all the sufferings.

J once told me that love songs are all very well written but it never happen in reality. I made it happen in our song. No matter if she love me or hate me, I will always be there for her....

An answered prayer??

Last night I wrote in my blog 'Where are you J?'. Now right at this moment, she appear in my MSN. Is this an answered prayer?? I really don't know..... All I can say is 'Hi' and nothing more. I've been waiting to talk to her, so much to tell her. About my achievement, about my ups and downs of life but I am lost for words. What should I say at this moment I have been waiting for for more than a year. I saw the picture of her and and bf. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I could hardly breathe, it feel worst than dying. Memories of the past flashed through my head at this instant.

Dear God, please do me a favour and take me away. Please don't let me wake up again tomorrow morning. Every night I hope its my last night but you forsake me again and again. Why let me be a living dead man going through all this??? You gave me everything in life in return of J. Did you ever ask me if that was what I wanted?? Turn back the time I beg of you. Take back everything you gave me for the past one year. Take a good look at me... What am I now without her??? Have pity on me and put me 6 feet under. Why did you let me have the chance to contact with her again today??? What was your motve?? To let me make a fool of myself again? To give me false hope to live on???

At this very moment, I have fully understood. J would never come back no matter how long I struggle waiting. What a fool I was to have faith in you that I have to stay on for the day to come. What are you trying to tell me by doing this today?? I am going to destroy everything you gave me including myself right before your eyes.

No man is an island

Its 2am & I am just BACK from WORK!!!!! In another 5 hours, I will be on my way to work AGAIN....... Sent my resume 2 days ago, hope will get a reply by next week. Wonder if I can bear to leave this company by that time. But come to think again, there seems to be nothing to hold me back.... except my passion for the job.

Although the working hour is hell, but the truth is I love this job. Not because of the pay or the position but because of the knowledge I gained from working with the equipments. All the principles and theory behind the equipments arouse my interest to find out more and more. Think of the past when I was an EA, we worked so well as a team . We worked hard and we played hard too after completing our jobs. Then one by one, my seniors left and I am all alone by myself. Nowadays I don't even take lunch anymore because its tastless to eat alone.....

Is it true that no man is an island??? I am really very tired, tired of work, tired of life, tired of waiting...... Where are u J??

Is love really a moment that last forever??

Recently I heard of another failed marriage from a friend. I known him for over 10 years, we go through BMT & Air Engineer Training Insitiute together and post to the same air base. To me, he is a nice guy. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't club and very serious at work. When I received news of him getting married, I was very happy for him and was almost sure that it would last. Then he went to US for a couple of years with his wife and had a baby there. After that I lost contact with him... A few weeks ago, when I was out with Ken drinking, he came along. I didn't think much about it at first as I thought maybe he just wanna meet up since we hadn't been in contact for years. While chatting over some drinks, I came to know that he is current in the process of divorce. His wife fell for another man and now they are fighting for the kid.

Nowadays, I heard a lot of failed marriage all about wife falling for another man.... Why is this so?? Even when I was out drinking last Saturday, a gal friend of Ken who was married came along with another man. I really don't understand...... What exactly is love? A moment of lust or a moment that last...

Workaholic??

Its Sunday 5am & I just got home from work. That's right home from work!!! I planned to take a good rest this Saturday after partying with my buddies on Friday night till 6am in the morning. Then a call from my boss at 5pm & I am back to company.......

Come to think about it, am I consider a workaholic?? I have been working about 16hours a day for the past 3 weeks. It may be a good thing for J that she choose to leave me. Otherwise she would be grumbling all the time given my working style. It would be quite unfair for her as I won't be able to spend much time with her. But again, if it wasn't due to the fact that she left, would I turned into a workaholic??? Anyway I can't think at this moment. Whatever had happened had happened, no way I can turn back time.... Everything happened for a reason, you gain some, you lost some. As I always said, I won't be able to achieve what I am today if it wasn't for the promise I made to her, to be an engineer.

Damm it, gotta get back to office in a couple more hours to view the test result........

Life is so fragile

I was resting on a bench this evening & all of a sudden, it became very quiet. I could hear my breathing & heartbeat. My heart started to slow down & I was gasping for air. When I opened my eyes again, I was lying flat on the floor. I have no idea how long I had fainted, all I remembered was I kept telling myself that I can't die at this moment as I have a promise to keep. Today could have been the last day of my life, death just brushed passed me.

I realised that life can be so fragile. Any moment, we might just leave everything behind and be gone. If you have someone you love, don't wait till tomorrow to tell him or her how much you love her. There might never be a tomorrow for you, treasure the one you have. He or she will not always be there for you. Don't live your life with regrets. When I regained my conscious, I grabbed my cell phone & wanted to call J to tell her how much I do love her but in the end I didn't. Not because I don't have the courage to do so but I didn't want to cause any disturbance to her life. If someday I passed away without having the chance to do so, friends who are reading this, please do me a favour. Tell the whole world that I love J more than anything on earth, including myself. Tell the whole world except her.......