....

For the first time, I gave up without putting on any fight for the reason I am living for.. Maybe I have no confident at all of changing anything, maybe I don't know if its right for me to do so disrupting the peace and happy live you are enjoying now.... You were never in the wrong, you told me you would give me a chance and you did. I took up the chance but I lost it still.... I have no one to blame... I am letting go of the only motivation I have been living for for the past 18months.

Have I changed or have you not understand me well in the past?? I really can't answer you that. What was I in the past?? I was confident, sensible, responsible, calm and have plans for the future?? What am I now?? I am emotionally unstable, I feel lost, I have no fighting spirit, I am useless overall I am as good as dead.

I don't know what happened to me today... I overturned everything in the room, tear up all the notes on the table, the moment I got home. Surpringly the laptop still works.... I suddenly feel lost of direction... where am I heading, what should I do next... felt very depressed... I am scare... I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know why am I working, what do I want to achieve, I can't feel anything, I just wish to run away from everything.. I don't even know what I am waiting, what I am hoping... Just wanna escape from the real world.....

ZZzz..

Sigh... I am so tired and the bed is so tempting, how I wish to dive right into it and sleep... Still gotta revise my Japanese....

This morning I received an email from CT while at work. She told me that she envy me for being able to love someone so deeply... But again is that a good thing or a bad thing?? I guess its only a good thing if the other party reciprocate...

A few questions post by her keep going through my mind today. What is love, what is forever and when was the last time I felt really happy...

No one on earth is able to clearly define love. According to Oxford Dictionary, Love means deep affection or fondness. I personally feel that nothing last forever, but that doesn't mean everything will come to an end. You might have done or said something that touched someone's heart but that doesn't mean it will last forever when you did nothing for the next few years or decades. Love requires continous attention, just like a plant, you can't simply water once and expect it to grow forever. It requires you to nuture it with attention and care.

As for when was the last time I felt really happy.... It gotta be the time when J said 'I love you.' to me. I guess alot of people will find nothing special about it because when couples are together, its very common to say that but its very different because she told me she will not said it unless she mean it. So for the begining when we were together, she never said it to me before until one night she suddenly told me that. That was the happiest moment of my life. After that I don't know what happiness means anymore...

Zombie....

Its almost 3am and I am just back from office... Haiz... what a sunday... Returned from office at 3pm, just about to take a short nap then received a call from company again. Rushed back in the evening and in 4 hours time I will be back in the company attending to customer's audit...

Told CT that I feel like giving up on my Japanese, simply no time to revise... Don't think I can make it for JLPT4 in 3rd of Dec. CT told me not to give up as she is also planning to continue her Japanese lesson to fulfil her dream of going to Japan. Seems something impossible for me to fulfil that dream... I am so tired.... but still got to make use of this 4 hours to revise my Japanese as I promised CT that I will not give up. Sigh... should I still go for the revision class in the evening later??

Wake up wake up!!!! Can't sleep, if I sleep now is as good as giving up. Must make full use of this 4 hours of free time to go through the notes. I guess the only way is to keep reminding myself that J is getting married soon so I must make it so as to leave Sg and hide in Japan... From now till JLPT4, I must be very discipline and make sure I revise everyday no matter how late I reach home.

tsuka re ma shita

Supposed to spent my Sunday sleeping the whole morning and revise my Japanese in the afternoon but a phone call came and I ended up in the company again.... Feel so tired.....


Just wanna get back to sleep and revise my Japanese tonight.... Oyasuminasai....

Case close

Haiz.. finally home and having my first meal of the day, cup noodle.... From morning till night, it was a very busy day for me... running between east plant and west plant..

After final discussion with my principle engineer, he finally accepts my development of FX application based on last night test result... I have been working on this application for months... Thinking back it was tough but this morning when I saw the test result ran last night, all hard work was worth it. Now its time to write the entire development into a report.. a real thick report...

Months ago during the initial set up. We had many ups and downs from basic structure building till now the entire application, Every time we put the application into test, the results were always negative.... I reviewed the test result over and over again, at times I would spend the whole day staring at the result. Study into every detail of failed result... almost gave up the development of this application. Even my assistants helping me with the development and my boss told me its impossible. No one was able to provide me any answer. My assistants who helped me to run the test were tired too... At times I had no direction at all and I would come up with some crazy setting for them to run. Every time I review the test results, I feel like giving up.... Luckily my principle engineer supported my groundless concept and even went as far as getting the material I asked for from our Japan Company. Heard that it might be implemented in our sister company in Taiwan.

Received a sms from CT this afternoon when I came out of cleanroom. Wanted to share with her my good news but could tell that she was unhappy. Thought of calling her out for coffee but I was running some test at east plant and having some problem at west plant. By the time I was done with my stuff it was night time. Wasn't sure what happened to her but as a friend, I guess my role was to provide a listening ear if she needed and not to probe further into it. CT told me that marriage is a total new chapter of life rather than a continuation of dating. It is not a fairy tale story where the prince and princess live happily ever after... But then why is it not so??? Isn't your other half suppose to be the most supportive person in your life, to share your happiness and sadness? Be there for you when the world turns it back on you.... No matter how the world change, that’s still my thinking about marriage.

Baden again

MBO finally over... Got a grade B, though its below my expectation but it would certainly make me work harder on next month MBO....

Met CT for dinner at Baden this evening. Though we agreed not to mention any unhappy stuffs but still we end up talking about our relationship or rather our thinking about relationship... which leads to J. Back to the same question again. Why do I love J so much and is there really true love in this world?? She feels that maybe the reason why I am clinging on still is because I am not in possession of her. Perhaps if we were together from then till now, I would not cherish her as much as I do now. Well I do agree that all human only learn to cherish after they lost. But between J and me... I guess its only for her to judge how I treat her or how I feel for her when we were together till now. CT do not believe that there is really true love in this world. Everything should have an expiry date be it product or feeling. Just like what Guns & Roses says 'Nothing last forever, even cold November rain...' She feel that its only good to be faithful to relationship unless you met someone who is equally truthful to you. That leads to what I always said about sweet talk. There is a hidden sentence behind every 'I love you'. When most people said that, it actually mean ' I love you.. provided that you love me too, if you leave me, I will hate you..'

Just like CT, I wanted to leave Sg too if given a chance. Now that I am learning Japanese, I hope that one day I can stay in Japan for a period too. The culture and the environment is simply irresistable. CT suggested going over for a year or two, only then will we be able to really pick up the language and we can teach English to earn a living too just like what the Japanese are doing here. I guess its easy for me to put everything behind and move over anything whereas for her, its not as simple as that.

Hey CT, maybe someday I would live your dream for you.. haha

MBO..

Haiz... so tired today.... Boss called me in the morning informing that he is not feeling well and will not be coming to work today and tomorrow. Seems like everyone is allowed to be sick except me...

Tomorrow is a big day for me, my first MBO presentation... Hope that things will go well for me... Spent half the day preparing my report and going through again and again... Heard that some big shot from Japan is flying over to sit in for the MBO too. First MBO and my boss is not around to back me up... Looks like I have to depend on myself tomorrow then. If things goes smoothly, then maybe I will meet CT for dinner to celebrate. Right now I can only keep my finger crossed.

雨中的思念

好久没淋过雨
已忘了与谁曾在雨中散步
独自淋雨以为能让我清醒
但对你的思念却无法随着雨水流去
只能掩饰我的泪水。。。

真的好累
不想再装着一脸坚强而严肃的样子
希望有人能够了解我此时的心情
你的离去已成定局
但我始终无法接受命运的安排

如果时间能倒流而结局并没有改变
我还是会再说一次我爱你
再次许下我一辈子的承诺

贞，我好想你。。。。

Let go....

I read a comment from an annoymous which seems obvious to anyone its from J. However something makes me refuse to be believe it was actually posted by her. I don't know what is it and I am not sure why... The time it was posted doesn't seems logic and the way it was phased was different from the way she used to sms me the in the past I have a habbit of reading into the ways different people phase their sentences. From the way they write I can pick up some unique points and even their feeling at that time. Even when CT left a comment as annoymous a few days back I could tell its from her. Perhaps I am still in the denial state after so long. I read it over and over again... Maybe I can come out with thousands of reasons to lie to myself that it wasn't from her but the truth is she had left....

J, if that was really posted by you and really what you want. As I had said it to you before, I'll say it once again, 'I've moved on...' I don't know where I can move on to. But as long as it can make you feel peace at heart knowing that I have moved on, your wish is granted.... Don't ask me why am I always treating you so good despite how deep you had hurt me. There's only one answer ' Because you are who you are....'

As children bring their broken toys for us to mend, I brought my broken heart to God. I stood there helping with ways of my own. After some time, I snatched back my broken heart and cried ' What took you so long?' 'My son', God said, ' You never let go for me to mend it..'

Felt so lost today after reading the comment. Wanted to call CT out for coffee but she is not feeling well.. All my plans for the day were ruined. Maybe I should just escape from reality again.

背包

这是你给我的最后一份礼物
它陪着我度过每一天 陪着我上下班
就如同你在我身边
不知不觉它以成为我的一部份
望着它我总会想起你 想起我们的过去
不知原方的你过着怎样的生活。。。

God needs a rest too

Finally get to rest tomorrow... On my way back from office, I saw a dead dog lying in the middle of the road. Next to the dog was another dog sitting beside. The cab driver told me that the dog has been sitting there for a long time as he saw it too when he passed by a couples of hours ago. I was really touched by the scene....

Its been 2 continous weeks of working more than 12 hrs a day. Feel so sick at work today, having a very bad headache that I really wish to bang against the wall. Then I received a message from CT saying that she is sick and lying at home the whole day watching T.V. How I envy her... no matter how sick I am, I still have to crawl to work. Boss came over to new plant today in the afternoon. Discussed some data with him then saw him squating at the corner of the room. Heard that he is not feeling well, shortly after he went home. How I wish to tell him I am very sick too and would like to leave on time too... Left office at 10 after 14hrs of work, felt so tired and hungry.... No dinner at home.. sigh... gotta sleep on an empty stomach tonight... CT, you see la, because you are sick, I have no dinner tonight... You owe me 2 meal already... a lunch and a dinner

Its public holiday tomorrow but its still a busy day for me........ Need to revise on my Japanese as the exam is coming then maybe to go down to Kah Motor for test drive on the Civic if Ken and Keith are free. Mm... my dream car is finally coming... Wonder if I should get the 1.6l or 1.8l??? If I decide to stay on in this company, I will get the 1.8l for sure. A few days back, while I was rushing my report, I felt someone massaging my shoulder. When I turned over, it was my VP, I was stunned as I don't really get to talk to him at all and heard that he doesn't really like my group in the past when boss was leading the group. Hope I can let him have a change of impression before I go so that my guys will be given better treatment in future.... OMG its MBO again this Thursday. Haven't even start writing my report for it.... Left 2 days to prepare then let VP approve before presenting to MD... Who the hell started MBO in this world.... Management By Objective.. I think its Making Balls Open more like it...

Follow your heart??

I always envy CT for having such a wonderful marriage but recently after getting to know more about her did I feel that things weren't what I supposed to be. I don't know the whole story but I guess what I can do as a friend is to provide a listening ear than probing further. Afterall she has been a paitent listener whenever I need someone to talk to.

Some people jumped into another relationship after a failed relationship without time to heal the pain and only after marriage did they realised that the one next to them weren't who they really need. Only after a few years or even more than that do they realise what they really need. Is it just someone who love you more than you love the other party??? Love and being loved, which is more important??

A few days back, J told me that she doesn't wanna hurt another person anymore..... I know that she is in a dilemma now but I didn't want her to be unhappy or troubled over anything so I guess the only thing I can do for her is to step out....CT asked me why do I still love J so much after so long and we weren't really together for long... I didn't know how to answer her... Told her that I will be going through cold turkey from Monday onwards..... I totally agree with what CT told me the other day '往往让你笑的人也是让你哭的人。。‘

Meeting CT for dinner next week but we agreed not to talked about any unhappy stuff on that day. Just hope to spend a day in peace and enjoy the dinner.... At times what we want and what turn out to be might be totally different but do we have the courage to change it or do we accept it for making everyone around happy except ourself??

Sigh... back to company in 3 hours times... when do I get to rest???

Uncover the mystery

Finally I get the answer for what I have been thinking all night long till morning. It was an unintentional call from J. I should have guessed it, perhaps for the rest of my life I will never get to hear from her at all.... She is leading a wonderful life now and preparing for her marriage, what is there for me to hope for??? All I can hope is for her to be loved and to wake up with a smile everyday. I will just be her guiding star hiding in the corner of the dark sky...

I sat at my void deck puffing away the entire pack of cigarette thinking of the days we had together... Its been so long but why do I still remember every single detail we been through... Never in this life would I forget the good times we had at SL. She would always stand at the bar counter watching me playing pool and told me that she would marry me immediately if I win the game... I stared at the cup of water I placed beside my bed every night, why do I wait for someone that will never turn up....

I look tough on the outside but I am really breaking down... To my assistants, I look arrogant, confident and aggressive but the truth fact is I am giving up on everything. Physically and mentally I feel its changing drastically. Feel weak easily and starts to get very emotional... I still struggle to perform at my best not for promotion or anything but I feel that its stil my responsible to complete this project. This afternoon at the new site, I noticed bloodstain when I coughed and almost fainted in the toilet... Hope my time is up soon, I can really close my eyes and forget about everything.

Miss call alert

Its been almost 6 hours since I received a miss call alert from J. Should I call back??? I am worried that she is in trouble but normally she would sms me instead of calling me if she needed my help. But what if it was an unintentional call, what if she wanted to inform me about her wedding, what if she wanted to talked to me about the joint account again???

I asked CT if I should called back, she wanted me to think about it but personally she feel that it is not worth it. She told me that she feel that I still love J and reluctant to let go.... I don't deny that I had never stop loving her and never let go......

Tired but gotta hang on...

Dragged myself to class last evening after work. I felt so lost in the class..... everyone seems to be well prepared while I am struggling through. Halfway through the class, Angel kept messaging me to meet her for a drink after my class. Really not in the mood to drink, tried rejecting her with various reasons but she insisted on meeting even if its just for an hour so I called Owster and dragged him along. While we were drinking, she suggested coming over to my place to cook for me on Sunday. My only reply was ' No thanks, you are not J... if you are, I will be the one cooking for you.....' Wonder if its too harsh to say that... After a couple of drinks, I left with Owster leaving her behind with her friends.

Sometimes I wonder why I totally lost interests in relationship. After J, a few women appeared in my life but I always back up whenever we reached the verge of starting a relationsip. I told Owster I had no confident in relationship or woman anymore. After what happened to me and what I see happening to friends around me, I am really afraid. Actually there's one girl whom I really admire alot. Not because of her beauty (though she is indeed very attractive) but of her character and positive attitude. She is very different from any other woman in the way that her determination and strength really attracted me. Despite having setbacks but she just won't give up on what she wants. Well too bad its totally impossible between us partly because she is taken, partly because of difference in background. Conclusion I missed the boat..... But still feels good to have her as a friend.

Just as I was packing up to leave the office, my manager walked over to start a casual chat with me. For the first time after 2 years of working, he came over to ask me if things were going on well for me. Depending on how you see it, maybe he can tell that I am really busy with new plant or he feels that I am lazing around so came over to check on me....

Feel like taking leave but because of a promised I made to my principle engineer, had to finish by the deadline set by myself no matter how many hours I had to work from now till next week. Even if I had to stay 24hours, I have to complete it.....

JLPT4...

Missed the 3 musketeers gathering at JB today. Spent the entire day sleeping. Work up in the evening to start my revision for JLPT4. Haven't been in touch for 2 months, really feel like giving up the exam in Dec. The reason I took up Japnanese a year ago is to keep myself occupied so as to forget J..... Decided to spent the entire night revising till morning.... then Owster called me for a chat and wanted me to go online.....

Since I am waiting for him, might as well take the time to complaint abit here... Owster and I belong to the same cohort but we were working at different platform after graduating from AETI. At times I really wonder if he is really married with kid. He spent a great deal of time out doing his insurance during weekdays and weekends he would join us for drinking session. Now our group has a new combination, a married man, a divorceed man, a single man and a stubborn man that's me...

Everytime I tried to talk to him about changing to a more stable job, he would always change the topic. Perhaps everyone has different view on life.

Haiz so much more to read before the revision class start tomorrow....

Kinship

Recently grandpa set his will, dad was given the biggest share among his siblings and since then my aunts seems to treat my grandpa differently. A few weeks ago, grandma was admitted to hospital. After everyone knows how much they are getting from the will, they didn't even bother to visit my grandma. I really don't understand.... All of them are filthy rich, why are they bothered by a few hundred thousand??? A few years back, grandpa wanted to give me a 3-room flat next to my current flat as a wedding gift with El but I rejected knowing how my aunts would react. Anyway El and I didn't make it to the red carpet at the end of the day. Does riches turned a person more greedy??

I have not seen my grandparents for almost a year due to my work. A couple of years back, grandma turned senile and couldn't recognise grandpa at all. But he was always there for her taking care of her and feeding her at every meal despite his age. Even though they have 2 maids at home, grandpa would still attend to her personally. Every night grandma would throw temper like a child and refused to sleep. Grandpa would seat with her in the courtyard until she is tired. I seen what true love is all about in grandpa. Its not about sweet talks or buying gifts for your love ones. Its about being with her through health and sickness till death do they part...... I am really touched by his action. I seldom get to see grandpa as he is always in Thailand attending to our temper's festival. He was the chief cook of the temper till his health deteriorates recently. There were times when I realy wish to put down everything here and go to Thailand to visit the temper. Grandpa says I can stay there as long as I want because it belong to me too.

Now that grandma is in hospital, he visited her every morning and stayed with her till late at night. While my parents were returning back with grandpa from hospital, they noticed he was limping, perhaps due to the everyday travelling to and fro hospital. I cannot understand why my aunts were all too busy to even pick him home. All my aunts were saying that grandma's time is almost up and discussing about splitting the jewelleries left behind. My thinking is if grandma's illness were to drag on, grandpa might be the first to die due to tireness.... Sometimes I really wish to visit grandma at the hospital but thinking of how badly she treat mum in the past, i can't forgive her.....

Just another day...

Spent the entire day in office 'sniffing glue' today, feel so tired, even my eyes are watery even now.... Don't really feel like going out tonight but promised Ken & Keith to meet them for a drink later. A few moments ago, Angel sms me to go for a drink too. Haiz... when I wanna spent a quiet night at home, everyone seems to be tempting me out to drink. Come to think of it, I have known Angel for years since she was working at Skyline for J. But just don't feel a thing for her, I guess you just can't force yourself to fall for someone or anyone...

This afternoon, my principle engineer informed me to get ready for temporary transfer to new plant as the schedule over there is very tight now. To be honest, I am worried about here if I am gone, wonder what will happen to my assistants here. He told me to forget about them since they are not worth my concern. In his opinion, none of them shows interest in learning and will not appreciate what I have done for them. If I can bring a few of them over to learn wonder if they will wanna tag along with me since they are so afraid of me and its very tough because we will be working almost 18 hours everyday. To me, it a good learning experience thats hard to come by as you don't get to work in a place that start from scratch. From a piece of bare land to an empty building and finally into a plant. Well anyway final decision still lies with my boss. Just have to wait for his annoucement on Monday.

Night Owl

Heard news today that I will be temporary transfer out for some project soon just waiting for boss approval. Perhaps it might be good for me to have a change of environment too working night shift but wonder if boss will approve. For the past 2 years, I had been dealing with all the technical issue in the group, wonder if he can cope if I am not around. At least I will be away from the gossip and rumour. Kept away from XX the entire day, went over to new plant in the afternoon with Nor.E to do some checks on the equipments. Feel so stupid, why should I avoid having a friend just over someone else's silly comment...... Dammit....

Are girls really attracted to guys who are attached?? Don't they feel used when they are with someone attached as in they might just be someone to fill up what the guy can't find in the other woman??? Is it fair to the other girl too?? Of course everyone has the right to love and be love but till today I still don't buy the idea that a guy can love 2 girls equally. As long as you are alive, you have the right to choose who to love thats why the law allow couples to divorce but be decisive. I feel that guys who two-time actually only love themselves. Perhaps to some girls, as long as they are happy with it, they don't mind whether the guy makes a decision or not at the end of the day.

Let's see it another way round. A guy with a married woman, who's the one at losing end this time?? I guess it depends on who is serious about the relationship. But who's at fault this time? From my personal opinion, girls are normally passive so if the guys did not make the first move, it won't lead to anywhere.

As what I read in a magazine, guys only have enough blood for one head. When the blood flows downward, you get straight somewhere but you can't think straight.

Gossip and Rumour

After so many months, the relationship between JL, Nor.E and I are finally back to what it used to be in the past. Especially Nor.E and I who were once as close as sibling, we had a good chat at the canteen over coffee this evening at the new plant. For so many months, we were treating each other as strangers. Next Friday we are even planning to hold an OLD TEG gathering with Ed, James, Steven... all the buddies whom we had worked hard together before.

Something else upset me today..... I heard rumours about me carrying a torch for XX and abusing my authority by pushing her job to others. The Chinese has a saying '人言可偎' which I totally agree at this point of time. What did I do again this time to stir up such kind of shit?? I really wish to go up to that person and ask him face to face what the hell did I do for him to make such a comment. But I guess it would only create more trouble this way and the best way is to keep away from XX as much as possible to prevent further gossip. Nor.E told me to ignore those rumours but how...... After I returned to office, I packed my bag and went off before I blow my top. Maybe I have to hide at the new plant for some time till everything cool down. But again, why should I since I am not in the wrong...... Dammit it....

Went for a jog this evening, its been a long time since I had the opportunity to do so. Feel so fresh after sweating. Finally able to have a decent meal at home. Spent the night in a very relaxing way doing yoga, watching T.V, reading.....

Suddenly I have the urge to listen to Collin Raye's alblum tonight. 4 songs in the album describe my situation. 1. Love Me, that was what I always sing to J. 2. One boy, One girl, This song talked about how a boy and girl met till they were married and finally gave birth to a twin. Its what I have been hoping for in the past. 3. Someone you used to know 4. Someone Else's Moon. These 2 songs make me feel like crying whenever I listen. I still remember I listened to them almost every night when I first broke off with J.....

爱的可能

你出现我身边 像个奇迹发生
没想到会是你 让我如此失魂
我心中的感觉 是这样陌生
快乐的牵挂 在相距的每一分

曾以为我见过 所有爱的可能
这一刻才明了 我有多么天真
想给你全世界 一刻我都不愿等
想要你的心 却怕不能成真

因为你有你的人生 我有我的旅程
在前方还有等着你的人
你会哭会笑会爱会伤神
你会不会敲我的门
虽然你对我的认真 我也感动万分
你终究不是属于我的人
但记得在你孤单的时候
我会伸出双手 我会是你朋友 到永久。。。

Love me (I'll Be loving you)

I read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat and he showed it once to me
He said boy you might not understand
but a long long ago...
Grandma's dady didn't like me none but I love your grandma so
We had this crazy plan to meet and run away to together
Get married in the first town we came to and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it says.....

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you..... Love me

I read those words just hours before my grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church where me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I've never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
But as he said these words to her his eyes filled up with tears....

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you..... Love me

To go or not to go

I start to wonder if I am a cow in my previous life.. err.. I mean bull. Whenever I have lots of work to do, I feel so energetic but once I finish a project, I feel so restless... Even though it may be stress in the process of finding a solution or answer but I kind of like it. Especially the feeling when you finally solve it. Its a sense of achievement that money can't buy. I am running out of time, there are so many challenging stuffs coming up at the new plant but my time in this company is almost up.... Hope I can finish it all before I go.

Boss talked to me again this afternoon. For the first time, he wanted me to go on leave at the end of the year and then back to the same old topic.... to reconsider about leaving.... I really don't know what to say. He told me that the VP is starting to notice my effort and I have a bright future here. I admit that I would be worried for my assistants if I leave as they are still so fresh and inexperience. Espcially those that I personally employed, feel so irresponsible to leave them like that. After some time if they still failed to pick up, they will be walked over and pushed around by other groups. At least now, boss and I am standing in front of them to shield them. Whatever happens, I will still answer for their mistakes though I would scold them hard to make them remember their mistakes. Perhaps now they are the ones that make me feel like staying especially seeing them improve day by day. Still remember when this batch of young chaps first came, I almost wanna kill them all.... Guess everything had an end... nothing last forever... There is always a time to bid good-bye.

I feel that one thing I am blessed with is no matter where I worked, I am always well taken care of by my superior. Back in the Air-force, I would quarrel with pilots even while flying or even to other officers in the hangar but my Officer always backed me up. Now in this company, I am known to be a hooligan engineer. Even when I was an engineer assistant, I quarrel with some engineer and even scolded him. It made him real angry that he complaint to my boss, manager and even HR. He swear to get me out of this company but at the end of the day, nothing happen...

Just like last year, I didn't sign up for the ADD. Boss want me to join his table but I rejected. I told him that if I am in his table, I don't feel comfortable. If I join my assistants, they might not feel comfortable. So to make everyone happy, I decided not to go....

My gastric problem is back again, the pain was so unbearable this afternoon that even 5 panadols can't numb the pain. For the first time after so many months, one of my assistant asked me to join them for lunch but too bad it came at the wrong time. Struggled to complete my stuff at the new plant and returned to the office. Took the remaining 5 panadols with coffee.... then rushed through some mails and took a cab back. Wasn't in the mood for dinner, had a coffee and meet up with friends for beer at a coffeeshop nearby.

心碎的感觉

我真的很累 真的好想放弃一切
你离开的那一天 我的眼泪不听使唤的流下
不知过了多久 眼泪都流干了 已没有泪水了
原来痛到最痛 就再也不痛了
对生边的一切都没感觉 仿佛与世隔绝
过着醉生梦死的日子
在你走后写的那一首歌 始终无法面对

但为何你再次的出现 会让我有如回到分手的第一天
事隔多时 本以为心已死了 但为何又开始隐隐做痛
带来的却只是我无法接受的事实
我的心真的碎了。。。。 我已等不到那一天的到来。。。。

坠落天使

自从离开了地狱 我一直住在黑暗里 不见天日
直到有一天 我遇见了一位天使
她从天上坠落了下来 伤的很重 没有能力再飞
我走出了黑暗 背起了她 告诉自己 一定要医好她的伤
一路上 我们扶持着对方 不断往前走
渐渐的 我们医好了彼此的伤
有一天 她飞走了 我望着天空流下了第一滴泪
我再次走进了黑暗 退到了死角
从此把心上了锁。。。

Letting go...

Woke up after 4 hours of sleep, having a bad headache...... Took 5 panadol and a cold shower... While I was sleeping just now, I could hear the sound of Soprano Sax playing.... How I missed those days in the band. Its been so many years since I stopped playing Saxophone. Those days, I had no worries and music was everything to me. From Military band, to brass band to stage band, everyday I will be moving around with my Alto. Sax. Perhaps I was born in the wrong place at the wrong time. Back then, everyone said that you can't survive on music in Singapore. Wonder what would my life be if dad didn't declare bankrupt and I could go to Vernice as planned at the age of 16.... Look on the bright side, maybe I won't have gone through so much and became stronger. I would just be a rich spoiled brat who won't understand about life. Heard a good news today, Phantom of the Opera is returning to Singapore next year. I missed it when they were performing here almost 10 years back. But would I be able to find anyone to watched with me??? Almost all my friends are not into opera, I guess I would either have to watch it alone or miss it. (Hey anyone reading my blog who are interested please let me know.) Nope!!! I will not miss it again this time, I would rather watch alone than to miss it.

Come to think of it, why did I go back to office today?? I will be out of this company in no time so why bother about such thing??? Is it due to my habbit of not letting go?? I could have just told the engineer that I won't be back, anything contact my assistant. But I will not feel at ease if I don't see the data personally. Guess its time to slowly let go....... Where do I go after this??? Maybe I should take the challenge and go into running a pub..... All these while I don't step into any bar counter or even sit at bar counter because it reminds me of J..... Back in SL, I would always sit at the bar counter watching her then slowly I would help her with some light washing behind the bar counter during closing...... Dammit, why did I mention her again.......

Too fast too drunk

Met up with Ken & Keith for dinner last night follow by Baby Face. So disappointed to see that its totally out of what I expected. Reached at 9.00pm but live band starts at 11.45pm. When CT and her friend arrived, I could see the 'WTF' expression on their face. Shortly after they left, we left too and ended up in a Thai disco at Golden Mile. I couldn't believe that I would come to such a place and surrounded by all the Thais. Couldn't understand a word what the live band was singing or what the people were shouting...... Seeing them makes me understand that money is not everything in the world. Its more about the quality of life.... We might be earning a few times more than what they are, but we might not be as happy as them. Start to wonder what life is all about... Alot of us work hard for making our life better but are we really making our lives better in the process or making it worst.

A lot of people wish to be successful in their career, some would even sacrifice everything to achieve it. But end of the day, are you really happy with what you got or its never enough for you to stop?? We wanna dine in posh restautrant, drive a 'Wow' car, own a big apartment and stuff so we work real hard but in the end do you really get to enjoy it?? Or are you too busy trying to achieve more that you don't have the time to appreciate what you got. Its a rat race that would never end. I see friends working hard for money because they wanna give their family a better life. In the end they are never at home or even when they are home, they would quarrel with their wives as the wives start to grumble about them always out. Isn't it better if you had more time with your love ones than working hard for a bigger television that you would never have the time to watch???

I see a lot of friends who are married yet always out with friends or clients after work. Perhaps they took for granted that their love ones will always be there for them therefore not cherishing what they have now. When I asked one of them, he told me that he is doing so hoping to provide a better life for his wife. But think again, given a choice, would the wife wants a better life or more time with the husband???

Woke up at 3pm this afternoon, 10 over missed calls from the company. I took the car and rushed to company. All the way to Tuas along the highway, I was doing 130km/h. My head was spinning and the ashes from my cigarette were flying into my eyes. Went through the datas and follow by a meeting then by 4.40pm, I was back on the road again heading home....

Drinking Marathone

Promised myself not to drink tonight but still end up drinking.... Saw Cat at Boatquay tonight, its been years since we last met... after so many years she is still working at Boatquay. Nothing much about her has change except slightly plump maybe due to drinking..... After breaking off and losing contact for so many years, we are still very comfortable with each other. I don't understand why am I able to get over her in the past and still be friends while I can't do the same for J. After a few drinks, I moved to Estee the club at Clark Quay, it was pretty crowded so after a jug we left and ended up at Hooters. So disappointed that Hooters don't serve Erdinger dark only light available. Finish my day with 1.5l of Erdinger.....

Sight... have to be back in the office in a couples of hours time... Received an email from J today, didn't really understand what she was saying..... But I guess the conclusion is still my fault.... Althought I didn't know what was happening, all I can do is apologise......

Meeting CT at BabyFace tomorrow night. Wonder how good a drinker is she? All I know is she like Erdinger light but I don't think they serve that at BabyFace. Hey CT, if you are reading this, I only wanna go there to listen to the band and be sober all night long haha.....

Counting down....

I don't know what got into me this afternoon that makes me start typing my resignation letter. Just as I was about to print, I took out J's photo and read the words behind. How I missed her pinching my face or pretending to slap me. I really miss you J but I guess you will never know... In the end, I deleted the resignation letter from my laptop.... I still have one last promise to keep. No matter how much I dread going to work, I still have to endure till end of the year..... Guess this is the last thing I can do for J..... Its weekend soon but I have to spend my entire Saturday back in the company doing my own testing and revise my japanese on Sunday before the exam starts..... 4 projects to complete before I can leave the company peacefully....
1. Complete setting up of new plant
2. Equipment role transfer OIS to ODT
3. To further enhance the role of Zetasizer, my last project with Ed which we worked hard to make it work (Ok CT worked hard for it too in case she read my blog and don't buy me lunch next Tuesday... I want to eat lamb chop at Botak Joe ok?)


Took a walk at the park where J, Chelsea and me went in the past. Everything about me changed, nowadays I always place a cup of water in my room before going to bed which I don't drink. I know very well J will never turn up but well....just a false hope.....

Practised on my sandbag right after I reached home. When I removed the gloves, my knuckles were covered with blood. Met up with my ex Air-force colleagues a couples of hours ago. Seeing them in their uniforms and talking about stuff happening in the base reminds me of the good time we had. Though it was much stressful than my current job but we enjoyed it at the end of the day watching the aircraft returning safely to base after mission.

Been working without my assistants for a couple of days and surprisingly, I get to learn alot of new things and I enjoyed my work. It feel like being an engineer assistant again spending my time in the cleanroom doing test. Come to think about it, I might have really pushed them too hard.... I need to face reality, I am not in the airforce anymore. Perhaps I need not be so serious working in the outside world, I had to slow down my pace than pushing others to keep up with me. How I wish I can leave my position now and start being friends with all my assistants..... expecially those whom had worked with me since I was an engineering assistant. Its ok that the new guys don't understand me. But you guys should know very well what kind of person I am. I am really very sad that you guys are treating me this way nowadays... Especially this girl whom I used to treat as my sister. She would always confide in me when she had problems be it work or personal. She even defended me when others talk behind my back but now even she turned away from me.

Menu of the day

Today is the first day boss went to Japan. I overslept but managed to get to work on time..... Had 2 coffee in the morning and went into the cleanroom to do my own data collection. My colleague asked me why I had to do all this myself when I have so many assistants.... Guess I had only myself to blame.... I choose my own assistants, speak up for them in front of my boss but what did I get at the end of the day....??? Utterly disappointed..... All along I only had one objective in mind, not to let anyone look down on our group. To prove that we are capable and knows our job better than anyone. But now I gave up... its totally out of what I can do alone. Perhaps they don't really care or can't sense the current situation.... As long as they get their paycheck on time, get to joke and laugh, it doesn't even matter how people view them. I'm strict with them hoping they will learn along the way but in the end, I became the public enemy .... Is it all worth it..... Even if I had to work 20 hrs a day, I will do every single data collection myself from today onwards. Now I am bend on leaving after Dec. It really break my heart seeing the group getting worse each day. I worked so hard in the past to let people who looked down on us in the past changed their thinking about us. I read up on technical notes every night till dawn... Finally people feel that we do have the knowledge to do the job but now.....

Lunch for the day was 5 panadols.... follow by another 3 panadols for tea break... by the time I left the office its 10.30pm. Another 14 hrs of work today. I vomitted the moment I had my first mouth of dinner or rather supper. Gave up dinner and took another 5 panadols.....

Hope I am really dying soon. Maybe only when I don't see, don't hear will I don't feel the pain. My weight is dropping faster than the shares during economic crisis. 73kg to 64kg in a month.... I guess the next thing I will do is to crush the panadol into powder form, mix with water and inject straight into my body.

Fork & Knife

Its been a long time since I last enjoyed such a great dinner. Went Black Angus this evening with CT. We had a nice chat over dinner or perhaps I was having a nice time while she was listening to my nagging over work. Nice place, great steak but no wine to go along...The only stupid thing I can't accept about Black Angus is they don't serve ice water as they only have mineral water. How ridiculous this seems to be. Don't they know that its a habbit for alot of diners to have a glass of water before the meal or are they so desperate to even earn that few dollars??? I saw from the menu that you get a FREE bottle of mineral water when you order wine. Wow a free tiny mini bottle of evian water. It's a pity, such a nice restaurant yet the reputation is ruined because its poor service.....

For the first time I guess I really mix my personal feeling with work. I've always been impartial at work be it close friends or newcomers, I treat them the same. Maybe its because of J which result me in such reacting so strongly today... Feel so sorry for my action today....

A bad Monday

Its a real bad Monday for me today. First of all, I was running a high fever and yet I had to drag myself to work. Took 5 panadols in the morning and was really dizzy the entire day. Then in the afternoon, I received some ridiculous sms from J. What else do you want from me?? I've let you go without any hatred. Have you ever take a second to think about me?? From the day we were together till this moment, I've always put you in first place. Even though we have parted, have I ever rejected any of your requests for the past one year?? I always told you not to repay me because I care about you and your feelings. I don't want you to feel hurt or feel that you owe me a thing. The last thing you wanna hear from me is that I have moved on so that you will feel better??? Ok, I have moved on, I have moved on to hell. I have pushed myself so far to the point of no return so that there is no turning back. What else do you wanna say and where else do you want me to move to?? Its only a matter of time I will move on huh??? I really don't recognise you anymore. Have I not seen the real of you in the past or have you changed so much that I can't recognise anymore. Who are you??? Perhaps you are just someone who resemble the J I used to know. I can't link up the J in the past and you. If you can't make my life better, don't make it worse.....

I take back every damm thing I said in my blog yesterday.... This evening, I heard something about this person which totally changed my perception of her. I am in no position to judge her or make any comment. Its something very subjective and sensitive. Moreover it takes 2 to clap.... All I can say is... No comment..