Phantom Of The Opera... gone with the wind

After years of waiting, the Phantom of the Opera is finally coming to town. I got to know about this story when I was in the band playing some of its music. My band instructor wanted me to know more about the story so that I could understand the music even better. I fall in love with it after reading the story book and listening to the CDs... How I wish to see it for myself all these while.

This morning I booked the tickets right after CT agreed to go. Even got the best seats facing the stage. I was so excited about it but in the end she can't make it for some reason.... Is it really impossible for guy and gal to be just friends?? What's important is we have a clear conscience isn't it?? I don't feel that we did anything wrong, but why do we give in still?? Are we admiting that we are the one in the wrong?? Do we have to live under everyone's eyes. Abide the so called rules that no one knows who set it. Start to wonder if we really live for ourself?

With 2 tickets in hand, wonder what to do with it... To frame it so that I remember I almost get to watch it?? I guess I'll have to miss the show again.... Wonder when's the next time they will come to Singapore again..... Sigh... missed the show and lost a good friend whom I can really talk to....

O.G

Truth or Lies

They say if you love someone, you should never lie to her but is the truth really what people wanna hear or it that what can make your love ones happy? Today is the first time I lied to J, perhaps I should call it a white lie. Between telling the truth and lie, I guess it better for her this way. At least she won't be sad or troubled... I always believe that to love someone is not to possess her but to give her happiness. If I am not the one who can give her happiness but someone else I should let her go... Though I am sure I can do it but I am not what her heart want at this moment or maybe even in the future...

I really wish to see her again but I am afraid I would not bear to leave if I see her again. J, after watching over you for so long, I guess you don't need me to be around anymore. Your career is starting to pick up and so is your love life. My existence is redundant now, promise me you will never shed a tear of sadness and be strong. Wherever I am, I will love you and think of you. Remember you are not being selfish or unfair to me. Time is not a factor, neither is the promise you can't give. Even if we were back together, I don't need any promise from you to stay with me or love me forever. I just wanna do my best to give you happiness. J's smile is the most beautiful smile in the world like I always tell you. I will do whatever just to make you smile...

Rain....Tears....

Its been raining the whole day so is my heart.... I can't express how lost i feel now. So helpless, so afraid, just like a child who has lost his way...

J... I miss you very much.. I really wish to hold your hands once again and tell you I love you and I will always be there for u. But I am in no position to do that anymore. I just want you to know that wherever I am, you will always be in my heart..

Thanks for telling me that you once truly love me... It enough for me to last a lifetime. I am really satisfied just to know that. Thanks for everything, for walking into my life, for the wonderful past we had...

I want you to know that I am always here for you. Its not unfair or selfish to me for you to return, please don't think this way. Its the best thing that could ever happen to me should you reutrn one day but if you don't.. I wont blame you too. From that day we were together, I promised you I would respect every decision you make.

Long Vocation

Its been a long time since I really had a good rest. Wonder how I would get by the day without having to work starting from this minute. With my passport lying on the table, I have the urge to just grab my bag and fly off to anywhere. Away from everyone I know, away from work, away from everything.... To a place where I can find back myself again...

J... I really miss you... Till today I still love you like I always do... I hope you are doing well and really happy with your life. I guess you must be starting to prepare for your wedding by now. I have a feeling I will never get to see you again for as long as I live. But as I promised you, I will love you and be there for you till the last sunset.... Perhaps you are right, I really owe you a lot in our previous lives and I am repaying now. Be it any reason, I am still very thankful for knowing you. Like I always say, you are not in the wrong. You gave me the chance in the past. I had only myself to blame for losing you.Don't ever say sorry to me again, I am the one to be blame for everything.

I suddenly have this thinking, if I completely lost my eyesight someday and can't see the sunset, does it mean I will have to stop loving you? I will treasure every sunrise and sunset..

Ouch!!

Finally home after 18hrs of work... Had a bad fall at the stairway just now. Of all places, I hurt my broken wrist again. I struggled to stand up and walked away as though nothing had happened. After going through so much, I am used to keeping slient even in great pain. I have only myself to depend on in this world.

In another 4 hours, I will be on my way to work again. I start to question myself, 'why am I working so hard?' Definitely not for another promotion or a higher bonus...... Is this consider self-destruction? I can't think at all now.. Tomorrow morning is the monthly MBO again, my monthly nightmare.... All I know is I just hope one day I will just drop dead while walking or while resting. I know very well I can't let go of her yet its a fact I had to face. I start to feel very lost, living aimlessly looking for a reason to live on....

Looking back this year, looking forward next year??

Finally home.... Having a real bad headache.. Reached home at 3am this morning and dragged myself to office at 8am. Frankly speaking, I don't really have anything so urgent to be back in the office today. Just because J is working today so I wanna wanna cherish the opportunity of chatting with her over email.

Another month more and 2006 is over... Looking back, what have I achieve?? Nothing....
What do I look forward to in 2007?? Nothing again..... Maybe I will be in another place living a totally different life. Be it good or bad, that's the path for me I guess.

I wanna sleep in peace, to wake up smiling again and to breath like normal again. Its been a long since I ever felt that way. Took a walk in the park before I came home. Will this be the last time I come here??

即使再多的分离

用尽剩馀的人生
说出隐藏很久的心意
即使再多的分离
我俩还是会再次相遇

命运始终会记得
将我俩带往何处
同一天同一地点
紧紧相互长相守

要相离别说再见
祈求你在我生边
从开始至到永远
我唯一的爱是你

....

Took a short break before I start writing my blog again this month. I guess alot of people must have stopped visiting my blog thinking that I had stopped writing for good perhaps so does J... Maybe its a good thing this way....

Just like Jun-Hyung in 'Sad love story', I too feel that to love a person is not just about being with her. Its about giving her happiness and seeing her living happily. No matter how much I yearn to talk to her, no matter how much I wish to hold her hand again, to pass her the little love notes.... I can't. Knowing that she has found the man she love, living well and getting ready for marriage....there is nothing more I can ask for in this life. Perhaps in her heart, I am only a passerby of her life, nothing worth to remember. All these while, I can only see her from a distance every now and then. It does hurt seeing her in someone's arm but its all worth it as long as I know she is doing well. I walked passed her countless time but never had the courage to even stop and say hi....

I think the last thing I can do to make her feel better would be to let her believed I had moved on and got over it.... It really takes alot to lie to someone whom you love deeply that you had moved on and the feeling towards her is gone.... But if it will make her feel better, perhaps I should... To tell her I had long forgotten about our past, I had found someone new, I am very happy with my life now...

Sad love story

I spent the whole day watching korean drama 'Sad love story'. Watched right through 9 episode at a shot another 19 episode to go. It really touched me deeply how much the guy in the story love the girl. I guess in reality no matter how strong a relationship seems to be, one party would have a change of heart when knowing that the other party is dead or gone. Or maybe thats the nature of human where feeling grows over time when you are away from the one you love and being with another. Does everyone moves on, then what am I?? (CT, all your fault for recommending me this drama, its making me so sad.....)

How I wish to take leave tomorrow and spent finish watching the entire episode.... Boss is leaving for Japan again tomorrow... Haiz.... I'll have to run the show alone again for the entire week. What worse is this time, I would be running both plant. Sigh.... am I not human or have people forgotten that I am human. Boss told my EAs the other day that I have no life and I am a workaholic thats why he can trust everything with me. Is that the impression I gave to people nowadays?? I am tired too.... Haven't had a day of MC or leave for the whole year. Machine also need downtime for maintenance or parts change. Time to continue watching....

Move on... blindly

Alot of couples have this question in mind or rather have asked their other half before 'why do you love me or what do you love about me?' I guess there is no answer to that. Alot of people have also asked questions like what sort of guy or gal you like. We can describe the person as in physical appearance or character but in actual fact we might not fall for the person when he or she appear. I might not be able to accept a plump and ugly girl but if J were to turn plump and ugly, I would still love her as before. I don't know the reason too, all I know is because its her.....

Maybe you might meet 2 person of equal qualites but you will only have feeling for one of them which even you can't explain. I really envy those people who can move on easily after a failed relationship. They will find another person and start another relationship in no time but I just can't. Everyone tells me its takes time and I will slowly walk out of this. Is that really true?? Maybe I am too stubborn or rather my heart is too stubborn. At work, I am always ready for changes. I decide base on result and establish direction. At any point of time, I am always ready to change the direction if there is new development in the test but not in matters of the heart.

Last night while I was in the office, Angel called me out for a drink. She held my hand and leaned on me in the pub. End of the day she gave me a hug and kissed me.... I couldn't understand why... Perhaps till today, I am not ready to accept anyone else into my life and never will. She has the looks and everything but I just can't accept her. CT told me to give it a try and see how things develop from here... Maybe I can just ignore my heart and be with her but is that really life?? Promised her I will be meeting her for dinner and movie tonight.....

As we grown older, we clearly know what we want in life but is that good or bad. We decide what sort of job we work, what sort of car we drive, what sort of life we live, what sort of person we love... The more we know or the more we want, the more complicated life get. I asked CT if I am consider sucessful and she said I am but to me, I am a total failure.... I have all that I don't desire and I don't have what my heart desire most. All I want is a simple life with the person I love most.

TDC

This afternoon was my first time presenting in the Technical Conference and..... I screwed it. Even I feel that this presentation sucks.... Wonder is it because I was over confident which leads to lack of preparation... To be honest, I didn't spend much time preparing for it unlike the past when I did for my boss. I took a few weeks to prepare for the presentation in the past but this time, I took only 2 days.

This afternoon, I promised J I would do my best but when I got up there, my brain simply go blank. I could see the disappointment in the people who came to attend. Everyone seems to have high hopes on me before the presentation but after I was done with my presentation, I was ashame to even look at their face. How I wish there was a hole for me to jump in. Although no one including my boss mentioned a thing about it after the conference but I felt real bad. Complaint to CT about it in the evening, I feel that I could have done better but its all over....