Drink Drank Drunk

Run Forest Run

2010-07-12T23:56:00.003+08:00

I signed up for Adidas Sundown Marathon for no reason and since then I have been jogging regulary at East Coast Park. I took 2hrs and 36mins to complete my first 21km marathon on 21st May and signed up for the Singapore Bay Run happening on 12th Sept'10. Before this year, I do jog occasionally but never jog for more than 10km let alone 21km. Ever since ths year, I started to enjoy jogging more the ever. Even though my knee starts to hurt every time I jog beyond 15km and had to take glucosamine daily, I don't think I will give up any time soon. Jogging is both physical and mental training. I like this exercise as it takes a lot of mind over body to complete the journey. A lot of will power and determination are required more than just physical stamina.

21km was a long, lonely and painful journey especially when the it was a night marathon. After 8km, I was having difficulty in controlling my breathing and by the time I reached 11km, I couldn't concentrate on what my mp3 was playing. By 16km, my knee was killing me and I had to slow down to almost walking. The last 5km was a torture, its seems to take forever to complete... The greatest achievement was when I crossed the finishing line and received the medal... all the pains were forgotten at that moment.....

2 months left to Singapore Bay Run, my target for this marathon is to complete below 2hr and 20mins. Wanted to signed up for Standard Chartered 42km Marathon but it was closed for registration by the time I decide between 21km and 42km.... Anyway I don't think I am ready for 42km at this time. Hopefully by next year I will take part in 42km in both Adidas and Standard Chartered Run. As for the Singapore Bay run, i guess this will be my first and last.

I am back

2010-06-29T16:54:00.003+08:00

Its been more than 2 years since I visited my own blog.... Alot of things had happened in the past 2 years and many new plans lies ahead...
Wonder if anyone still checking out my blog once in a while.. if you are reading my blog, I am sorry for the lapse. Stay in tune for more updates coming up

Pain in the Ass

2008-04-23T09:13:00.003+08:00

Got 2 days of MC today... haiz... feel so boring at home.. Always wanted to have a break like today but then now that I am away from working, I can't help thinking about work.....

Just called Ah Niu to meet up for lunch later but instead he want me to go over his place to pack his room, this lazy burger is finally clearing up his room after 10 over years. His room is the worst I have ever seen... clothes everywhere, ashtray on the bed, even poly notes still stuffed somewhere in the shelves.. Don't think I am in the condition to enter his dusty room today... So in the end we planned to meet up for lunch then go down to garage in AMK to service his car.

Known this guy for over 10yrs ... we were the best buddy in poly till now. Though at times we had our differences but the bond is still strong. Even our mums become good friends through us as we arrange them for mahjong session together. Ah Niu is 3 years older than me but I always treat him as my younger brother as I always had to ensure he revise his work and wake up on time. Even up to now, I still have to scold him at times when I see that he is going in the wrong direction of life... Just like now that he has ORD, I have to keep checking on him as he will be spending his time on mahjong than finding job. Even his resume is done by me...

Everytime I am at his place, his mum will nag at both of us for smoking, for drinking, for gambling, I was nagged by his mum for not spending time with his son when I was attached while he was single. Being his brother for so many years, I am used to his mum nagging already. Next month he is moving to Woodlands so finally willing to pack his stuff and throw away those junk... I can imagine the mess in his room now... He is so looking forward to moving to Woodlands as it would be easy for us to meet up for coffee and to pump petrol in JB. Hope it won't be a nightmare for me when his mum & my mum join force to nag at us.....

Bombs away

2008-04-21T23:01:00.004+08:00

This morning when I enter the office, I was presented with 2 bombs again by K.A...... I really wish to sing this song by Air Supply to him '...just when I thought I was over you.....' Last week I was tasked to take over some test which wasn't even supposed to be mine.... spent the enitre morning in the cleanroom collecting data, crunched 56 csv file into excel. This morning he came to me and said he want to try moving in the measurement point inward by 5mm... OMG.... which means I have to re-do everything all over again.... after dropping a bomb on me, he asked me to join me for a puff, then in the smoking room, he dropped me another bomb...... When will I get able to get off the hook...... Spent the entire day trying to denotate one of the bombs he dropped on me last week. By night, I managed to send back to him, hope he won't come looking for me again when he sees my mail tomorrow morning.....

Is it true that in life, men will not or seldom have what they cherish most? How about men will not or seldom cherish what they have in life? Read a blog today about a girl and her 10 years of relationship on and off with the same guy.... It sound very dramatic for 2 person to be falling in and out of love for 3 times over a period of 10 years.... will there be a fourth? Nobody knows I guess.... Can a closed chapter be open again or a new chapter ready to be written?

I feel that the most important factor in a relationship is communication. Some will say to be tolerance towards each other... Mm.. that is important too but if a couple is unable to communicate, how long can one tolerate another? It is never easy to maintain a relationship, much worse than friendship or kinship....

Bad Hair Day

2008-04-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

Spent the whole sunday in company working on an application..... re-run through the algorithmn step by step countless time but couldn't understand what went wrong.... one stick of cigarette after the other, one cup of coffee after the other.... just couldn't find an answer to it.... finally I decided to go into the cleanroom to 'talk' to my baby to understand what went wrong with her. I always treat all my metrology equipments as my children. Though they can't speak but each of them have their unique sense. They are my other 5 sense far beyond which human could do... When I check on this babe in the evening, everything seems fine.. did some basic functional check on her system and she respond accordingly.... Just like my mentor, whenever there is problem with the equipment, it feels like one of my kids falling sick. At times I reprimand my assistants when I feel they ill-treat my babies. Failing to take good care of them causing them to be sick or injuried.

When I returned to office and tried to access this babe from the office, she start to misbehave again... Seems like I have to be in the cleanroom with her then she will behave and provide me with logical answer. Finally my conclusion is there is some bug with the offline PC causing failure in data analysis. Sigh... looks like I have to spend the entire day in the cleanroom with her instead of accessing in the office...

Bought a tube of hair straightener yesterday at the pharmacy. I read through the instruction briefly and applied it straight to my hair. When I wash my hair an hour later... oh my gosh... my hair was all dried & straight. So straight that it could stand without gel... Wonder if I would attract some weird look from people in the company tomorrow... Hope I can revert back after a few wash...

Fighter no more

2008-04-14T20:51:00.005+08:00

So tired.....wonder am I sending punches to my sandbag or just giving my sandbag massage.

My best sparing buddy
Who does the gloves protect? The bag or me?
Enjoy the pain of raw fresh

....Give me one moment in time.....

2008-04-09T22:22:00.003+08:00

Heard over the radio on a program about music composer, song writer and producer while driving home today. This reminds me of a piece of music I once wrote years ago.... really hope there will be a day I can play it again on the sax... How I missed those days in the band.... Everyday we would stay in the band room after lesson till late in the evening. A group of us having our own mini concert everyday...... I still remember my favourite piece was ' One moment in time'. Till today its still my favourite but doesn't have to chance to listen to it again. Guess it was really only one moment in time....

Fight against life, you will never win

2008-04-07T21:58:00.004+08:00

Its been a long time since I seriously workout on my sandbag. By the time I removed my gloves, my knuckles were swollen & bleeding. Looks like its gonna take some time before I get my delicate skin seasoned again.

Looked at myself for a long time in the mirror in the shower..... I saw myself as a kid, saw myself as a teenager and now..... I realised that I have really changed alot over the years but did I become who I wished to be or did I blindly climb the coporate ladder without knowing where I am heading or what I actually want... This evening, I sat at my desk staring at the laptop for a long time, I felt very tired inside out.... My mind went blank....

No matter how powerful or smart a person is, he or she can never outsmart or fight against life. In some part of our lives, we lost what thought we will have forever & at some point of life, we found what we thought we had lost forever.... All these are far beyond our control even the most power man on earth has no control over..... Many times, I wish to give up everything & live a simple life somewhere where I don't have to be on guard against anyone.

I am who I am because of my own choice or because of circumstance? One thing I am very sure, I didn't become who I wanted to be when I grow up. I remember I told my dad that I wanted to be a musican, a saxophonist when I grow up. Even when my dad went bankrupt, I never give up my dream. I did everything I could to get in SP just to be in the band so that I could continue with my dream but eventually I had to give it up because I couldn't cope with my school work. Was that consider my own choice or was it circumstance that changed my dream?

1st JSPS Gathering

2008-04-05T15:19:00.002+08:00

Yesterday we had our 1st JSPS gathering finally after 16years.. ok maybe not the first for some but at least the first for me.... Though its our first meeting after so many years but we are all able to click right away. Initially I expect we might not be able to find any topic or feel strange sitting together for dinner after so long but in the end there were so much to talk that I guess we were the loudest table in the restaurant.

After dinner, we move on to Farm Cafe to continue catching up on the past. Never run out of topics and jokes about the past. I really missed the good old days... too bad the original building we studied in had tore down... even our favourite hangout.. the ghost trees were not there anymore.... It seems that I was the only one who had drastic change in appearance over the years while others remain the same. Even my best friend fail to recognise me....

I've been arrowed to organise the next gathering in May.... Hope I am able to gether more JSPS members and a better event. So if there is any JSPS students graduated from 1991 class 6/3, please join us in the next gathering in May....

All dogs go to heaven

2008-03-31T22:43:00.004+08:00

Many years back, J told me that she once run away from home with her dog, Chelsea, when her mum scolded Chelsea and threathened to get rid of her. She took her bag and left home with Chelsea. The entire family went looking for her but in vain. Actually she was just sitting at the void deck a block away from day to night. I really find her behavior adorable and admire her for her love towards Chelsea. Recently I heard of another person.. Mmm.. let's just call her Panda heehee... Panda ran away from home too with her dog, Miko. But at least its only for a walk and reutrned after she cooled down.

I have always wanted to keep a dog but never had the time to do so. My favorites are Husky & Retriever but both are too big to be kept in HDB. Wonder if I have to wait till I am retired before I can afford the time to own a dog. sigh... If i have a dog, I would bring her out every weekend to the beach or park, laze at home watching TV together or simple wander the street at night....

Too good to be true???

2008-03-24T22:00:00.002+08:00

This afternoon, I received a letter from my manager.... its a promotion letter. 3 promotions in 3 1/2 years seems too good to be true but I don't seems to be excited or happy. Of course I welcome the pay increment but it doesn't seems to sound attractive to me anymore....

At times when I take a break and smoke at the roof top, I keep asking myself what am I working for..... There is no answer... Initially when I joined this company, its just for a living. Earning barely 2k a month then work became a way for me to escape from reality and become a self-challenge till now I don't even why I am working so hard. I don't even know where is the destination..... Just when I have decided to leave for another job, this promotion came and hold me back.... not really for the money but for the person who recommended me for promotion. If I were to leave at this time, it would reflect badly on his judgement....

Lost & Found

2008-03-22T18:01:00.004+08:00

Its been a week since I got my first PDA phone, HTC Touch Dual. Other than no WIFI & rather soft speaker, basically I have no other complaint about the phone. Now I can even write my blog while on the move.

A few days ago, I found 2 of my primary school friends through Friendster. After losing contact for more than 16years, its really surprise to be able to come into contact again. I am really looking forward for the gathering.

Monogamy Vs Polygamy

2008-03-12T00:31:00.002+08:00

I always support monogamy & strongly object polygamy. Mew asked me today if it is possible for a person to fall in love with 2 person at the same time. I feel that this is a very subjective question. A mother can love both children equally at the same time but can a guy love 2 women at the same time? My opinion is if a guy were to claim that he love 2 women at the same time, the truth is he only love himself.

Scenerio1: If he were to marry one of the women & kept the other as mistress, he is cheating at least one. Most probably the wife in most cases. If the wife were to know, she will be deeply hurt so if a guy love the woman, why would he be cheating on her.

Scenerio 2: If the wife does not know about it forever & he maintain the relation. Most probably, he has no plan future plan for the mistress but just dragging her. The mistress will be wasting her youth on something with no return. Maybe in love, we don't expect anything in return but what will happen to her when she is old or during festival? The man will return to his wife & kids while she will be all alone.

So my conclusion, men out there who are reading this. there is no secret that can be kept forever. If up to this point, you still strongly believes that you love both women equally, then someday you will be causing hurt to either one of the women or both. Especially for married men, if you truly love another woman but unable to leave your wife for the other, why cling on to her instead of letting her go in search of someone who can give her a future. Think again, while you are celebrating festive season with your wife or girlfriend, what happened to the other woman? What happen to her in many years to come? Can you be there for her whenever she needed help, can you be there when she is feeling down or when she is sick? Face the fact, men who are in this situation, you only love yourself & no one else.

Just another day

2008-03-04T22:50:00.003+08:00

I realised that I always start my blog with ' Its been a busy week...' So as usual, its still a busy week after I am back from Japan. Right after I am back, I was scheduled for some soft skill course from Monday til Wednesday. Was suppose to attend a conference on wednesday but had to turn it down as it crashed with my course.

After I did my presentation in Singapore & Japan, it seems do be the begining of more work instead of the end. Japan side is starting to evaluate their application methodology base on my material & data while Singapore side is also plannig to make changes. I seems to be digging a deeper hole for myself. My SVP invite me to visit Japan again next month but I turned it down. I guess if a person stay at one point for too long, his value depreciate. No point holding on to old cheeze, I prefer finding new cheeze though not sure if there is any out there. Now that I have obtain the foundation & knowledge on this item, I wish to move on to something new instead of holding on to the same thing.

Before I left Japan, my SVP told me that he is very happy that I have deep understanding on this topic I presented but at the same time worried that I might leave to join the OEM or competitor. Actually I once thought of joining the vendors but then when I look for it from another angle, there seems nothing much to look forward to being a service engineer. I mean how far can I progress from there? 5 years down the road, what am I? Still a service engineer or a senior service engineer? So if I leave my current job for service engineer, it seems to be jumping from one shit hole to another.

Today when I take a break from work and let my mind wonder. I remembered someone once told me that everything in this world has an expiry date. From things we use to things we consume, even fashion. So how about feelings? I guess feeling has expiry date too its just that some realised in the middle of the relation while others don't live long to realise it. Although fashion expires but at times it will return after a few years... I wonder if feelings have the same trend too. Will once lost feeling return again after some years down the road? I have seen a few cases where couples together for years break off for a few years and end up getting married again. So what exactly is feeling? Does it always come & go, what are the affecting factors.... How do we keep it with us or how did we lost it? Even if I make use of MiniTab software to compute & analysis, there is no clear correlation or trend...... Conclusion : Feeling is something that can be explain with science, mathematic or logic. Unable to set any definiton, equation or even program to forcast trend or analyze best condition setting...

Japan-ChiBa-Ichihara

2008-03-02T02:09:00.005+08:00

Finally back to Singapore after 2 days in Japan. It was a tired but fruitful trip. Flew off from Singapore on Thursday night, reached Japan, Narita Airport at 7am in the morning. It was only 2deg C that morning and I was freezing like hell standing outside the airport smoking. My first impression of Japan... the air is so fresh and the streets are clean. From Narita Airport, I took another hour of train ride to Chiba then another train to Yawatajuku & finally a cab to company. By the time I reached, I was totally exhausted.....

Working in this company for 3 years plus, this was my first time visiting our plant in Japan. The only person I know in Japan is my ex SVP who was transfered back to Japan from Singapore recently. He is also the one who requested me to go all the way to Japan to do the presentation. Luckily the presentation went on very smoothly & received many positive feedback. I still remember when I did my first presentation in Singapore during the Technical Discussion Conference 2 years back, my ex SVP commented that the presentation was very short & not informative. My confidence was totally crushed that time......

Previously when my ex SVP was in Singapore, I never had the chance to really speak to him but this trip I get to spend a lot of time with him over lunch & dinner. He taught me alot about the culture & history in Japan & I also get to know more about him & his thinking over many things. We had dinner in this restuarant near the hotel I stayed that night. One thing special about this restuarant is that they have their own chicken farm therefore the chicken are much more fresh than the ones in supermarket. This is the first time I had chicken sashimi, meaning raw chicken. The texture of cooked & raw chicken are totally different. I guess alot depend on the freshness & also the skill of the chief. Breast meat & thigh meat is totally different in texture & liver is even weird. We spent about 4 hours in the restaurant eating, drinking & chatting. He even took the effort to prepare maps for me to visit Tokyo the next day but in the end, I gave up the idea of going after looking at the map of the Japan railway lines. Just JR railway alone, there are 35lines & some stations have more than 10 platforms.

The next day, I took a train to ChiBa & spent a few hours walking around alone. ChiBa is a prefecture much smaller than Tokyo with only 2 shopping malls. After having my lunch in a small resturant, I headed for the airport. That day was the highest temperature in the 2 days I spent in Japan. Although it was 12deg C but with the wind blowing, I was still feeling pretty cold.
After 7 hours of flight, I returned to Sinapore on Sunday morning.

Though the time spent in Japan was short but I really enjoyed the trip.

Clementi

2008-02-23T23:01:00.003+08:00

Its been a few years since I last went to Clementi. This afternoon when I went to Clementi again, I noticed that so much had changed. Coffebean is not there anymore, alot of new shops appear.....
'Hua Hua' is still around but I wonder is it still the same owner.... Used to be very familiar with Clementi in the past but now feel like a stranger when I am there.

5 more days before flying to Japan for presentation, still not done with my material.... I have alot of new findings but still haven't figure out how to present the ideas & findings.....

Conclusion.. Stress......

Nihon e ikimasu

2008-02-18T20:30:00.003+08:00

Another 10 days, I will be in Japan doing my presentation. Its less than 10degC in Japan now..... This is my first trip to Japan and I have to go alone.. sight.... Flying off on Thursday night, report to company at 10am on Friday for meeting follow by presentation after lunch, then meeting again on Saturday and on the flight back in the evening.... Is that also considered been to Japan??? Other than Hotel, Airport & company, I don't have the time to go anywhere.....

Laws of Power

2008-02-12T21:29:00.000+08:00

Recently I just watched Death Notes Part I & Part II. Learnt something very interesting is to observe the trend of crime. Lately I have been receiving some stupid coment from an anonymous and been trying to dig out this S.O.B. Previously I only know that this person is a Singaporean or at least a PR then by observing the time & date this S.O.B post his comment, I can be quite sure who he is now. Not many people have the time to read blog in the afternoon except a handful.

I know who you are now, why have you not changed abit. You are always like a rat, doing things in the dark, never had the courage to face anything like a man. I forgave you for stirring shit the other time and now you are acting childish again. I really look down on you for being a pussy. Is that how your parents brought you up or is that the way they behave too? Does it run in your family? Is that what your dad taught you to be as a grown-up? What's the point of having a penis when you stuck it up your own ass all the time?

Till today you still don't understand the rules of the games. Time & again when you leave your comment, I have the right to delete. Why? Because I am in control here in my blog. I really don't understand are you really stupid or idiot. What can you gain by doing so, a person with brain who don't think before he act is as good as brainless. Not just here, even in the real world, I have the say over you. Even now when I want to make you pay, I dare to tell you openly here and let you be on your guard. You had your fun and now its my turn. Watch how I am going to make you pay for it..... Never take my kindness as my weakness. You don't know me or where I came from so don't try to push your luck too far.

Year of Rat 'Huat Ah'

2008-02-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

Finally its coming to the end of the long break. Mm.. I seems to look forward to returning to work. Mew fell sick yesterday and till now she is still having high fever. Guess I will have to take leave tomorrow to bring her to the clinic if she don't recover by then.

Since begining of last year, Mew had fever almost every month & it would last for a few days. I still remember sending her to hospital in the middle of the night a few times before. Guess I really need to spend more time taking care of her other than just working.

This morning, I spent a few hours washing & waxing my car. I should have listened to my friend's advise on the procedure for washing the number plate if I want to strike 4D. This evening's draw, all 4 numbers appeared in first prize but the sequence were wrong.....

Looked through the yellow ribbon website today hoping to apply for some volunteering work in prison but seems like not much position available. I have always been wanting to spend some time doing volunteering work in the prison but then I have been putting it on hold for a long time. Finally I decide to register today but only position available is teaching Art & Craft which I don't think I am up to it. Mm.... Maybe I should volunteer in SCORE ort SANA to follow up with ex-offenders.

A frog in some shit hole

2008-02-06T22:23:00.000+08:00

2 more hours to Lunar New Year, sightz no activity for tonight. Bought a bottle of Bailey & some beer on my way back from work. Both my grandparents passed away last year so we can't celebrate Lunar New Year this year.

I received a comment from some anonymous just moments ago. This person, be it a guy, a gal or a slime which I guess most probably is, feels that 2 million is hell lot of money & think its impossible for me to reject when someone offered me 2 million to start a buiness. ' He who don't see far, don't live far either' . If I am as idiot as this person, I guess I might be bankrupt by now trying to start a business without any experience or skill.

I wish I can show him/her/it the real world. Of course I don't have that money now but I do not see mysef as not having it in a few years time. I used to think that if I am lucky to strike ToTo, I will be able to live without work for the rest of my life but think again, a few of my friends are multi-millionaire so why are they still working so hard. With what they have now, its enough for them & even their children to live without worries for the rest of their live. After chatting with them over time, I realised that I was just a frog in the well. Today I know there is someone out there who still think as I do 3 years back.

Maybe owning 1 million sound like something impossible to attain within their livespan to some failure but to some others, its like a pinch of salt. What a failure.... I am sure this 'it' who live in the well or even worst in some shit hole will always be a failure. Mmmm... remind me of someone I know who might be the 'anonymous'... Interesting......

Who moved my cheeze

2008-02-05T20:30:00.000+08:00

2 more days to Lunar New Year.. it has been a challenging and fruitful year. I still remember when I returned to work from Lunar New Year holiday last year, a few of my assistants resigned at the same time. It was tough for me to lose them at the same time but together with those who stayed on, we worked together and got the group back in shape and even better than before. It was tough as we had more to do with less people still we make it....
Come to think of it, it was a good thing that they left... This may sound cruel but whenever a major change is to be made, some of those who fail to comply must be eliminated.

In the begining of this year, I am already faced with a major decision that could change my life.... I have to choose between staying on in this company or to try out as salesman in a small local company which my mentor set up 2 years ago. If I choose to stay on, I will have my annual increment next month & most probably with promotion but then my life would be quite predictable.. working for others till I retire, then again if I choose to try out in sales, I might be able to start my own company someday after possessing the skill and contact. But then again if I fail, there is no turning back.....

A few months back, my mentor offered me 2 million to start a buiness.... 2 MILLION!!! When will I ever get to earn this sum of money? I rejected his offer as I knew that I lack of something very important.... the art of selling. My bonus for this year come close to 10k, it seems alot of money but then is it really alot? I am not sure if I am cut out to be in the sales lines as I am pretty bad at public relation... But my mentor told me that if I want to start my own business someday, I have to overcome the fear of doing sales... Should I stay at this comfort level or move on with no return..... There is a saying in chinese which translate as 'break the oar & sink the boat' meaning put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to fight & move forward. This phase originated from the acient time during war where a general instructed his soldiers to break the oars and sink the boats when they landed on enemy ground. The only way for them to survive is to fight and win the war.

If I can make it in this new industry & discover an opportunity, my mentor will provide me with all the capital I require to start my own business but he will never provide me with money to get on my life. He will only give me the tools to hunt but not the food. I have to hunt on my own to survive.

I love my job but this path do not lead me to the life I want. Of course moving on to a new career does not garantee anything too but the chance is there. If I let go this opportunity, I might regret in years to come, if I failed, I might also regret for giving up such a good job which I have now to go into the new career.... But then if I don't let go of the old cheeze to source for a new cheeze, how do I know that there are bigger cheeze out there. But then again if I let go of this cheeze I am having now and failed to find any cheeze out there, I will end up with nothing.... Sight.... just enjoy this Lunar New Year and decide that.

Cross-Junction

2008-01-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

Life is all about choice, it can be as small as deciding on what to wear, eat, drink ..... it can also be deciding on which school to study, what course to take...... follow by where to work, what to work.....

I have always been lucky at work, since my days in the air-force till now in this company.... I am always appreciated and recognised for my hard work. Especially now.... for a diploma holder to hold an engineer position in this company within less than 2 years was almost impossible but I did it. Being able to draw 4-5k a month, I can consider to be living quite a comfortable life but this just doesn't seem to be what I want. I used to dreamt of owning a business, maybe not a billionaire but at least a millionaire. I told myself in the past that I would never accept being an employer for the rest of my life... Recently I started hunting for job again, I don't know the reason for finding another job too. Basically none of the jobs I applied offer me higher salary than my current but still I applied without knowing why..... Maybe I can't find any job satisfaction nowadays...

A few days ago, my vendor whom happened to know that I am planning to leave offered me a job. He invested in a company 2 years back and now he is planning to expand this company. Frankly speaking, if it were to be service engineer or application engineer position, I would accept it without thinking as he has always been my idol. He was born poor but now a multi-millionaire, in his 30 years of business life, he almost went bankrupt a few times but still he managed to pick up time and time again. He wanted me to work in his company as a sales person. I have never had any sales experience in my life, since my first job, it has always been very technical. I remember when I was 13, I tried to do door-to-door selling of greeting cards and I end up selling not even one.....

No matter how good a company account department is, how good the production department is, how good the HR department is, it all depends on the company sales department to determine the compnay growth. I understand about this all along but never had the courage to take the first step to go into sales all this while. This is a step where there is no turning back if I were to take..... If I failed, I can never return to my current job or even find a job that match my current salary... but if I don't do it, I might regret in future..... Damn it.... I am really lost now........ Maybe I have been so comfortable that I lost the courage to make changes in life, just like a warrior who has lost the courage to pick up the sword and fight after living in peace and comfort for years.....

Nowhere

2008-01-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

Recently as I browse through the job classified online, I noticed that there are alot of jobs out there which are suitable for me but what I am lacking is the 'paper'. I have to admit its very difficult for me to move on to non-executive position after where I am now. I have all the experience required but don't have the education level required.... Haiz......

What do I call my situation? I am somewhere between heaven & earth... Heaven & Earth?? Mm... sound so familiar..... Do I really have to go back to school at this age?? I don't think I can afford the time to do so though I really don't mind if I am sponsored.

In the first place why am I looking for a job? Am I not happy with the salary, the job scope or the environment?? I can't answer this too, maybe its because I can't find any sense of achievement anymore.... I still take pride in my job but the drive level is low nowadays....

Today I talked to one of my guys about finding the motivation to work other than just about bonus. I guess I could understand his thinking as I gone through that too. I felt that I worked very hard or at least equally hard as compared to other engineers but in the end I was not promoted. At that time, I felt very disappointed & was even unhappy with some of the engineers who were promoted but then I changed my perception, I told myself that people do recognise & appreciate my work but its impossible for everyone to be top so why should I be angry when others get it, at least I am not at the bottom? I started to find other motivation which keeps me going and I felt alot better. The situation didn't change, the environment didn't change, what changed was my thinking which changed my mood. I guess most of the time, we are very much affected by our perception than by the truth.....

Starting fresh

2008-01-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

This afternoon as I was resting in the office, I started to think of the days when I was an engineering assistant... How time files... Its been 3 years since I first stepped into this company.. from a nobody to somebody... at least it shows that hard work do pay off. I wonder if I have the strength to do it all over again if I were to start off fresh again somewhere....

I just sent out an application for the post of senior equipment engineer but wasn't really comfortable with it. So many 'what if' in my head.... Am I really up to the job? What if I find that I am not suitable, there will be no turning back.... I can't get back my current job for sure.... I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or not... anyway just wait to see if there is any reply before worrying. Maybe I might not even get a reply for an interview.

Come to think of it, I should have applied for engineer instead of senior engineer... at least not that stress.... oh shit... I applied for senior engineer but I only indicate 3k for my basic... haiz... so stupid.... hope they will offer me a higher pay for that post.....

Welcome 2008

2008-01-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

After getting 2 day of rest, I am back to work again. What to look forward to in 2008? Better job opportunity, promotion and better pay. Hope I can see 5k or above in my payslip after this year annual increment heehee....

The bonus has been split into 3 part... sian.... got my first part in Aug, then second part in Dec and third part coming in Feb. Why can't they just give me all together.... By splitting up the bonus, I spent it without knowing. If I see 10 over thousand coming in together, then I will defintely save a portion of it...... but now only can depend on the Feb bonus to save up some....

OMG... road tax and insurance due by end of this month.. there goes my last part of bonus....

Family Secret

2007-12-25T19:36:00.000+08:00

Today is grandma's 2nd 7th day death anniversay, we went o the temple early in the morning to make our prayer and offerings. On the tablet, I saw grandpa's name, grandma's name & another name which I have never heard of. My brother told me that actually we have an uncle whom passed away when he was about 3 years old. He was the third child in the family. When he passed away, grandma burnt away all his photo and threw away everything related to him. Of all the siblings, only dad and my first aunt knew his existance but no one was allowed to mentioned about him. Until now that grandma passed away did dad tell my aunties about it. For more than 50 years, no one made any prayer or offerings to him. Only when now that we make the tablet did dad decided to put his name beside my grandparents. I can't understand why grandma has never mentioned about him all these years, maybe she want to put the past and move on...... What exactly happened that caused them to totally forget about having a son.... I am sure grandpa still think of him and missed him as he ever mentioned to his god-daughter once that he used to have another son but passed away when he was young. Thats's all he mentioned and nothing more in detail. No one knew how he die or where he is buried. Dad doesn't know about it in detail too as he was very young then. I am very surprised that my grandparents kept this secret for more than 50 years. I guess I will never find any answer to the question in my heart.....

Hatred

2007-12-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

Last saturday when I was on the way to work, I was greeted by 'Uncle Sam' on the highway. He gave me an early 'Christmas present' of 8 points off my driving license and $170 fine..... Sight... This is the first time in my 8 years of riding/driving that I got demerit points.... Not a really good way to end 2007 isn't it??

Now that both my grandparents have passed away and just when I thought things have finally settled down.... my youngest aunt is starting to fight for the money. Previously grandpa left about $100K behind when he passed away. My dad and aunties set the money for my grandma daily expense and now that she had passed away too, my youngest aunt want to have a share of the remaining money and the flat left behind by grandpa to dad. Everyone love money but for someone who live in a landed property and having a monthly income of more than $10K a month fighting for the money, I really believes that greed is not only limited to the poor. The poor want to get rich while the rich want to get richer.

When grandpa passed away, my brother, cousin and me have already decided to draw a clear line with my youngest aunt. We strongly believe she is the one who drive my grandpa to his grave... A few years ago while I was working as a hawker with dad, grandpa visited us at our stall and told us that he is going to commit suicide after seeing dad for one last time as my youngest aunt brought my then senile grandma to church to be baptised without informing him. At that time we hold on to him and promise to stop my youngest aunt from doing so. Then begining of this year, when grandpa just returned from oversea she told him that she wanted to sent grandma to old folks home immediately as she feels that she is a burden. Since the day she sent grandma to old folks home, grandpa stopped eating and fell sick. Soon after he was sent to the hospital and never get to step out of the hospital anymore..... If grandpa hasn't listened to grandma & agreed to moving in with her to help her look after her house, dog and maid, he would still be alive today...

May she have a Merry Christmas burning in hell

Aunty Agony

2007-12-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

A friend once asked after reading through my blog that why are most my post about sad stuff happening in my life? I guess my purpose of writing here is to find a place to keep the sad part of my life. In every one's life, there are bound to be sad and happy moments and different ways to handle it. Some choose to share their happy moment with friends or cry on their friend's shoulder over sad moments while I choose to pour it all out through writing.

At times I wish to vent my anger, cry over sad things happening around me but over the years I learnt to kept it all inside till recently I started my blog where I let it out here. When I was in secondary school, I have the habbit of writing diary every night before I go to bed then when I graduate from secondary school, I burnt away.... reason?? I can't recall to....

Anyway what I wanna sad is my life isn't really that sad, its just that whenever I feel down, I will write it out thats all.

Good Bye Grandma

2007-12-13T04:02:00.000+08:00

A few hrs ago, I was woke up by my dad. The Old Folk Home called and want us to go down to see my grandmother immediately. Before we could reach her room, I heard my aunties crying and I know she is gone.....

Sometimes back, one of my aunts dreamt of my grandfather whom passed away a few months back. In her dream, my grandfather told her to buy a pair of shoes for him and a pair for my grandmother. The next day she bought 2 pairs, burnt 1 pair and kept the other. I guess my grandfather is trying to tel her that he will be taking my grandmother away soon.... Every one in the family knows that even when my grandfather was very sick, grandma was his main worries so maybe after he passed away, he still worried for her being alone at the old folk home so .....

Just a week ago, I visited her for the first time at the old folk home after my grandfather passed away. Although she was senile but she could recognise me and even call out my name. This morning when my aunt visited her, she was looking fine and now she left us..... My brother just left for HongKong last night... Guess he will have to shorten his trip and be back tomorrow at earliest available flight.

Right now my parents are at the void deck waiting for the undertaker to send my grandmother back..... This seems to be a bad month, I have went to a few funeral and received news of my friend's father passed away this morning and now...

Family Day

2007-12-02T20:11:00.000+08:00

Finally I get to take a break from work today and spend time with my family. Washed my car in the morning, its already turning from white to grey with all the dirt building on it... Haiz... thats the way it is working at Tuas.. always full of dust....

Visit my grandmother with my parents at the old folk home... My grandmother seems to forget that my grandfather has passed away... She told the other folks at the home that my grandfather is at Malaysia. Maybe its a good thing that she had forgotten or maybe she choose not to accept the truth... She can still recognise me and my parents, this shows that she still hasn't lost her memory competely... Stayed with her for a while and then we headed down to boatquay for dinner... Been a long time since we had dinner together but too bad my brother didn't join us as he was busy meeting up wth some contractor discussing about renovating his house. After so many years.. finally he is about to settle down next year. Though he is already in his 30s but still behave like a kid at times... always crazy about games and having fun... Hope he will be more mature after his marriage.

Mm... its back to work again tomorrow.. feel so lazy and tired....

I need a car wash

2007-11-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

Today I got to know that someone actually read every single article I wrote since 2005 from the comment left behind. Been wondering who is this person.... suddenly one name came to my mind... E.T??? Mm... not the E.T from space but someone whom I used to know...... or rather I would call it someone whom once played a very importatnt role in my life but a stranger today. My mum used to asked me about her once in a while but I guess we are walking on 2 parallel path now....

Spent 12 hours in company today but still fresh and energetic. maybe due to the rest I had over the past few days. The 4 days of MC were the longest time I had spent sleeping since I worked in this company. But then again, i would not wish to have the 'luxury' again as the headaches, sore throat, giddiness were real hell for me....

Mm... been more than 2 weeks since I washed my car... sigh.... Bought this stupid polish... so oily and yet unable to make the car shine. Makes me feel that I am applying suntan lotion for my car everytime I polish... Feels like changing my body kit again... and the sport rim with low profile tyres....

4th day in Hell

2007-11-23T21:43:00.000+08:00

Today is the 4th day of my MC. Finally my fever is under control but my throat still feels like being cut by knives whenever I swallow. Feels so bored being at home these few days..... its very different from taking leave and spending time on my own. Feels giddy the whole day, tried to read but can't concentrate on anything. Wonder how long it would take before I can fully recover.

Being away from office for 4 days, I decided to go back to take a look tomorrow even if its for a while. My friends been calling me a workaholic which I totally disagree. I feel that maybe its not so much about being passion about the job anymore but it is the sense of responsibility that's holding me on to the job. Always been talking about leaving the company to struve out on my own but still lack of the courage and opportunity... Sigh....

EBV

2007-11-22T09:19:00.000+08:00

Coming to the 3rd day of my fever.... My neck is all swollen due to the virus infection.. My head feels like exploding and my throat feels like being cut by knife each time I swallow.... The doc says this might last for another 1-2 weeks......

Some information I got about the virus from the internet:

Infectious mononucleosis, (also known as the kissing disease, or Pfeiffer's disease, in North America as mono and more commonly known as glandular fever in other English-speaking countries) is seen most commonly in adolescents and young adults, characterized in teenagers by fever, sore throat, muscle soreness, and fatigue. Around 90% of people will acquire the virus even if they exhibit no symptoms. Mononucleosis typically produces a very mild illness in small children, but is typically asymptomatic. Mononucleosis is usually caused by the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV), which infects B cells (B-lymphocytes), producing a reactive lymphocytosis and atypical T cells (T-lymphocytes) known as Downey bodies.
Mononucleosis is typically transmitted from asymptomatic individuals through saliva (hence "the kissing disease"), or by sharing a drink, or sharing eating utensils. It may also be transmitted through blood. The disease is far less contagious than is commonly thought. Mono is not spread through the air. You can live in the same house with a person and never acquire the virus. In rare cases a person may have a high resistance to infection.[citation needed] The disease is so-named because the count of mononuclear leukocytes (white blood cells with a one-lobed nucleus) rises significantly. There are two main types of mononuclear leukocytes: monocytes and lymphocytes. They normally account for about 35% of all white blood cells. With infectious mononucleosis, this can rise to 50-70%. Also, the total white blood count may increase to 10,000-20,000 per cubic millimeter.

Symptoms
Symptoms usually appear 1-2 months after infection, and may resemble strep throat, or other bacterial or viral respiratory infections. The typical symptoms and signs of mononucleosis are:
Fever—this varies from mild to severe, but is seen in nearly all cases.
Tender and enlarged/swollen lymph nodes—particularly the posterior cervical lymph nodes, on both sides of the neck.
Sore throat—White patches on the tonsils and back of the throat are often seen
Fatigue (sometimes extreme fatigue)
Some patients also display:
Enlarged spleen (splenomegaly, which may lead to rupture) and/or liver (hepatomegaly)
Petechial hemorrhage
Abdominal pain - a possible symptom of a potentially fatal rupture of the spleen.[1]
Aching muscles
Headache
Loss of appetite
Depression
Weakness
Skin rash
Dizziness or disorientation
Uncontrolled shaking at times
Dry cough
Supra-orbital oedema—the eyes become puffy and swollen—may occur in the early stages of infection
After an initial prodrome of 1-2 weeks, the fatigue of infectious mononucleosis often lasts from 1-2 months. The virus can remain dormant in the B cells indefinitely after symptoms have disappeared, and resurface at a later date. Many people exposed to the Epstein-Barr virus do not show symptoms of the disease, but carry the virus. This is especially true in children, in whom infection seldom causes more than a very mild cold which often goes undiagnosed. Children are typically just carriers of the disease. This feature, along with mono's long (4 to 6 week) incubation period, makes epidemiological control of the disease impractical. About 6% of people who have had infectious mononucleosis will relapse.
Mononucleosis can cause the spleen to swell. Rupture may occur without trauma, but impact to the spleen is also a factor. Other complications include hepatitis (inflammation of the liver) causing elevation of serum bilirubin (in approximately 40% of patients), jaundice (approximately 5% of cases), and anemia (a deficiency of red blood cells). In rare cases, death may result from severe hepatitis or splenic rupture.
Usually, the longer the infected person experiences the symptoms the more the infection weakens the person's immune system and the longer he/she will need to recover. Cyclical reactivation of the virus, although rare in healthy people, is often a sign of immunological abnormalities in the small subset of organic disease patients in which the virus is active or reactivated.
Although all cases of mononucleosis are caused by the E.B. virus, cytomegalovirus can produce a similar illness, usually with less throat pain. Due to the presence of the atypical lymphocytes on the blood smear in both conditions, some physicians confusingly used to include both infections under the diagnosis of "mononucleosis," though EBV is by definition the infection that must be present for this illness. Symptoms similar to those of mononucleosis can be caused by adenovirus, acute HIV infection and the protozoan Toxoplasma gondii

Sick.. Sickening....

2007-11-20T18:51:00.000+08:00

Always been grumbling about not having time to rest and wanting to clear my 2006 leave. Finally I am down with fever today.... The doctor says I am infected by some sort of virus and was given 2 days of MC. Not much medicine was given as the doctor says it all depends on my immune system. The fever might last for 1-2 weeks as its a sympton that my body is fighting against the virus. Though I didn't have to work today, but still I received calls from company the whole day. My head feels heavy and I was very weak the whole day. Been sleeping from morning till evening but still I feel very drowsy.....

Sight... is this the only way I get to rest....

D&D 2007

2007-11-18T20:48:00.000+08:00

Finally the day has come...

Beauty & Handsome

My Best Men

First Bottle of the Nite

Cool

2007-11-08T20:42:00.000+08:00

Its been more than a month since I last wrote in my blog during my ICT period. Back to company its all about work and work and work..... 2007 is coming and yet I had not cleared my 2006 leave.... How I wish I can take a short break from work and spent my time lazing on the bed in the day or soak in the sun at siloso beach.... Just about to close on 1 job lately but another 2 jobs already thrown to me.... When can I ever have my break!!!!!

After long wait, finally my Starmex System 3 is here. No more sleepless night during the hot days... or sweat while sleeping even with 2 fan blowing..... But its so hard for me to crawl out of bed in the morning.... I had to struggle to get out the warm blanket and walk on the cold tiles...

In Camp Training

2007-10-03T20:08:00.000+08:00

Finally coming to the end of my 3 weeks ICT. Met a lot of ex colleagues and many of them are leaving the force soon. It seems only yesterday we were working together on Fennec AS550 in the hangar doing servicing, rectification, ground run at the airfield or up in the air doing FCF. Since Fennec was de-commissionized, most of the people were posted to Super-Puma as its the only French aircraft left after Fennec. How I miss those days at Pekan Baru and Australlia.... Now that I am posted to Super-Puma, I don't feel the sense of belonging at all. It doesn't give me the feeling Fennec used to give me, the pride whenever I sees Fennec flying pass...

My activites during ICT?

8.00am- Report to workcentre
8.30am to 9.00am- Morning briefing
9.30am to 10.00am- Teak break at Mess
12.30am to 1.30pm- Lunch
3.00pm-4.00- Tea break at Mess
4.30pm-Knock off

Mmm.. come to think about it, its all about tea break and lunch for my ICT. Reporting back to work next Monday after rotting in camp for 3 weeks.....

Begining

2007-08-27T22:55:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking for the past few days how should I begin my life story..... Maybe as a third party or maybe begining with I was born in ... During my school days, I always had to write composition with the tittle 'Myself' and I was begining with my name is blar blar blar..... So for this time I really want to try something different....

Ok how about this... Let me close my eyes and type while I recall...........................

As far as my memory would bring me, dad was a businese man in the past. I used to had everything I wanted. My toys were all bought in Toy 'R' and my clothes were from Second Chance.... I like spicy food since young. My neighbour told me that my mum used to stuff all kind of spicy food into my mouth when I was a kid. I would stare at my mum eating meepok with lots of chilli and mum just fed me with it. My lips got all swollen and red... tears rolled down my cheeks but I still ask for more...

I was very shy and always hide behind my mum... hate to take picture as I don't know how to smile... Everytime my brother and I got into trouble, my mum will make us sit on the floor and cane us while explaining to us our mistakes. After the caning session, we will count how many scars we have on our body to make sure we got the same amount of canning.

We can have any toys we wanted except toy gun and sword. Mum never allow us to play with toy gun and sword. I still remember the sticker books we used to buy. After completing the entire page of sticker, we can exchange for toy at the shop. Every packet comes with 5 stickers and there would always be some stickers which was very hard to get. Mum would always buy the whole box of sticker for us instead of buying individual packets as she feel the chance is higher. Come to think of it, the money spent on buying the stickers was more than buying the toy.

When I was in kindergarden, I was always late for class as mum always failed to wake me up on time. I was always the last to reach and the last to leave as mum always leave me there while bringing my brother to the doctor or at times she would forget to bring me home..

Time Flies??

2007-08-20T00:28:00.000+08:00

Its been quite some time since I last wrote anything in my blog. Every night while I was driving home, I do have something in mind to write but by the time I got home, I am simply too tired and lazy to write.....

Went through my photo album with Mew this evenig after dinner. Looking at those photo taken more than 20 years ago really makes me realise I am old... It seems only yesterday when I was 5 years old and all of a sudden so much have happened.... Its been more than 20 years.... At different stage of our life, we desire for different thing and we have different belief. What can make me happy when I was 5 can't make me happy anymore. Nothing have change except our own expectation and greed...

Please look out for my life story thats going to appear in my blog soon. It might be a bit naggy as I am going to go as far back as my memory could recall. Maybe starting from when I was 5 years old till now. Kindly render me your support and feedback....

Seed of Happiness

2007-07-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

Long time ago, God passed some seed of happiness to an angel to bring down to earth. God asked angel,' Where do you intend to plant the seed?' ' Deep in the ocean where man would have to face the rough waves and storm to gain it.' said the angel. God shaked his head so the angel said again ' I am going to plant it high in the mountain where man would have to climb to gain it.' God shaked his head again.

'It is easy for men to go deep into the ocean or high up the mountain, the most difficult place for man to find happiness is to plant it in his heart.' Said God

We always forget to look into our heart for happiness. It is covered by greed, anger, fear and many more.... Look deep into your heart and you will find happiness....

Fine Day

2007-07-08T12:16:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was really a fine day for me. When I walked down to the carpark to collect my car, I saw a parking fine on my wiper. Maybe I should consider myself lucky as I have been parking without season parking for the past 4 months and this is the first time I was fined. But since I was fined now, I have to start buying season parking every month as they already know that there is someone living here whom doesn't have a season parking coupon. Haiz.....

I went to Tea Chapter at Chinatown in the afternoon. Its been years since I last visited this place. Used to come with E in the past very often. I like this place very much. Its a very nice place to hangout enjoying the chinese tea and the quietness. It makes me feel at peace everytime ain. I am here. Regardless of how stress I am at work, I always feel fresh after visiting here. I left the place in the evening and as I was walking to the parpark, I was the carpark attendant walking past me. When I walked to my car, I saw another parking fine on my wiper again. I had placed a 1 hour parking coupon but I had exceeded the time. If only I had left Tea Chapter just 3 minutes earlier, I would have missed the fine..... What a fine day.......

This month MBO is coming again starting on the 11th of July. As I marked the date on the calendar, I realised that it was J's birthday on the day. Well, I guess it meaning nothing to me now. Over the years, I start to understand that it was nobody fault that we parted, neither were we wrong to fall in love. Its just happen that we fall in the love at the wrong time. Anyway most important is we are both doing well now and happy with our lives.

A little love story

2007-06-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

While driving tonight, I heard a sweet love story which I would like to share with everyone here...

Once upon a time, there was a guy and a girl. They were very deeply in love. One day, the girl got knocked down by a car and was in very critical condition so the guy prayed to God for help. God answered to him and told him that he will save the girl only if he agree to be turned into a dragonfly for 3 years. The guy agreed to it and soon after some time the girl slowly recovered. When she regained conscious, she couldn't find the guy she love so she cried every night... The guy who is now a dragonfly could only stay by her side watching her everyday. Soon it was winter, the dragonfly had no choice but to leave. Before he left, he flew close to the girl face and gave her a kiss while she was sleeping.

When spring returns, the dragonfly went to find the girl immediately. When he flew to her window, he saw her with the doctor whom saved her life. They were chatting happily, it seems that the girl had forgotten about him.... The dragonfly stayed by her side watching them as their relationship grew....

Anther year had passed and it was winter again and its time for the dragonfly to leave the girl... When he returned again in spring, he saw the couple holding hands walking on the beach, saw the doctor kissed her on her cheek......

On the 3rd spring when he returned, he saw them at the church exchanging their vows.... God summoned for him and told him that its times to turn him back to human. He told God that he wish to remain as a dragonfly to as long as he live. He understand one very important truth abot love... 'To love is not to possessed but to possessed is to love'.

Dear friends out there, please cherish the one next to you as its not easy to love and at the same time able to possess that someone by your side now.....

Tree Top Walk

2007-06-24T22:33:00.000+08:00

Instead of preparing for the coming customer's audit on Monday, I went for a walk at MacRitchie Natural Reserve this morning. Took almost 3 hrs to complete the 11km route and a walk to the HSBC tree top hanging bridge. Its been almost 10 years since I last went there... used to attend the cross country race every year when I was in Secondary but I guess age is catching up.... I was sweating like a dog throughout the walk. All I saw was trees and more trees, going up hill and down hill in the forest. Really feel like giving up but when I finally complete and walked out of the forest to the carpark, I felt really great

My next target is to climb Bukit Timah hill...

16th June 2007

2007-06-16T11:14:00.000+08:00

Busy busy busy... that how I would describe my life nowadays.... So busy that I can't even spare the time to write my blog everyday like the past. Since I have the time today, I am going to give it all I have. Please be patient with me dear readers or rather 'aunt agony' hee...hee....

I have been talking about resiging for a long time and due to even more 'shit' being passed to me, the more I feel like leaving. I finally understand that rumours spread like fire in the office. One weekends when I was resting at my desk after spending the entire day in the cleanroom, one of the heads in the East plant came to me and ask me if I knew of anything he don't know. What the hell is this I though to myself. I told him I don't understand what he was trying to ask and he sort of feel like I am trying to act innocent. I was so angry that I told him if he is suspecting me of anything, I might as well resign now. The next day, everyone was asking me if I had resigned, there were even some to approached my boss to asked about it and some even asked me through emails.

Yesterday as I was discussing with a colleague from another department, a lady walked to my table and asked 'Excuse me, are you from TEG?' Before I was able to answer, my colleague answered for me ' He is not from TEG, he is the boss of TEG.' Boss?? It seems to be nice to be called the boss but basically I am just someone who bear the responsibilities and take the blame if something goes wrong in my department. It had been a tired but fruitful month, been running between both plants with so many equipments down and doing appraisal for my men .. er..ok and lady.

A few weeks ago as I was at my desk, my SVP walked behind me and gave me a massage on my shoulder. This is the second time he did so, first time when I first promoted to engineer and this time for developing a application recipe that even our Japan side wasn't able to do so. My deputy MD even gave me a 'A' for the MBO this month due to this recipe. My boss was very proud of this as this is the second time I developed a receipe that even Japan side wasn't able to do so but inside my heart, I am worried about it. In fact this recipe was recreated within a very short time over the weekend due to urgent request. I have a feeling that he will be arranging me for this month Technicial Discussion Conference to present about this recipe like the previous time. Sigh...

Woke up very early today though I wasn't working. Washed my car and planning to have a haircut later follow by a wedding dinner to attend tonight. Over the past few years, more and more of my peers in Airforce are married but equal amount are divorcing. Most people in Airforce are married not because they are ready to do so but because the management in Airforce 'planned' so. They are married because they are deployed to oversea for a few years and those who are attached will get married before going so that that can bring their spouse along. By spending their lives together oversea, they start to find that they are actually not suitable for each other or they are not mentally prepared to be married which ended up divorcing the moment they are back.

Damm it, just received a call from my old time buddy that his car can't start and I have to rush down to buy battery for him now......

A tribute to my grandfather

2007-05-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

Its been 2 weeks since my grandfather passed away but he is always on my mind till now. I remember his face so clearly and even dreamt of him.....

Being a traditional Teochew man or rather a man of tough character, he had never once asked for help from anyone or trouble anyone. Since I was a kid, he is the only person in the family whom I truly respect from the bottom of my heart. I still remember the days when we moved in to stay with my grandparent when dad declared bankrupt. Every night when my grandfather comes home from work, he would have his dinner, follow by shower and then to bed after a stick of cigarette. Although he seldom speak, but I know that he care alot for dad and us. Even during our family gathering, he would spent his time in the kitchen preparing food for everyone of us.

After he retired, he spent most of his time between Singapore and our temple in Thailand. Along the way he had made many friends, most of them a generation younger than him. Wherever he goes, he is welcome by everyone. I really regret for not spending time accompanying him to our temple in Thailand...

When I left the force and decide to be a hawker with dad, he supported us by providing us with the capital. He even came down to visit us almost everyday despite the long bus journey...

Even during his death, he did not want to trouble anyone. We stayed by his bed on Monday night till 3am and he was doing fine so all of us left for home for a rest. At 7.22am, he left us... If he were to passed away before we left, we would not have the chance to have a rest as we would be busy preparing his funeral and it happened on a Tuesday morning so that the funeral will end on Saturday allowing us to rest on Sunday before returning to work. He left a sum of money behind which allow us to have a grand funeral for him and at the same time enough for my grandmother to last for quite some time. His only last wish was for everyone of us to spent at least twice a month having dinner with my grandmother. Even that was taken care of by him as he still has a flat which was rented out. So the money collected from the rent was used for the dinner.

He had never bear to spend on himself but generous to his children and grandchildren. Grandpa... I really wish to tell you that I love you and miss you deeply..... Sorry for not spending enough time with you, for not having the chance to understand you.....

2007-05-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

On Monday morning 7.22am, my grandfather left us.... Maybe its a relief for him but defintely a loss to us. Being the head of the family for more than 50 years, he had always been fair and considerate. Everyone in the family respected him... I am sure he left with no regrets....

Numb...

2007-05-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

I wonder if being a workaholic makes me numb to all feelings or am I numb to all feelings which makes me a workaholic. Grandpa has been at the border of life and death for more than a week. Everytime I visit him at the hospital, I see more and more tubes connected. My aunties and my dad are at the hospital everyday round the clock. His kidney failed, his liver infected, his main arteries are blocked and black spots suspected to be cancer cells are found in his lungs. The doctor says there is nothing more that can be done, right now its only his will-power that is keeping him alive. No matter how we talked to him, he is still unconsicious. Last sunday, he finally opened his eyes but wasn't able to move. We brought grandma to se him at the hospital and I saw tears in his eye. I guess she is the main reason that is keeping him alive but grandma doesn't seems to recognise him as she is slowly losing her memory. At times she can recall things that happen years ago but at time she behave like a kid. Grandma had been in and out of hospital for the past few years and everyone thought that she would leave before grandpa but now it seems to be the other way. If grandma had passd away long before him, he would have given up long ago. Not long after seeing grandma, he was unconscious again. Everyone was by his bed crying while I stood there without any feelings. Not that I don't feel for him but when I see him in this condition, I feel that its better for him to end the sufferings. This evening I received a call from my brother informing me that grandma was also admitted to the hospital. Grandpa staying at 6th floor while grandma in 8th floor. Is this what true love is all about? I always feel that the people of the older generation are not romantic but actually their love was far beyond the sweet talks....

While I was driving along PIE, I saw the biggest and brightest moon I had ever seen. It was so close that I thought its gong to drop and crush on me. It look at least 5 times bigger than the usual moon. I wonder if somewhere at the other part of Singapore, are you looking at the moon just like me...

小白的个人资料

2007-04-22T22:28:00.000+08:00

Given Name: 小白

Family Name: Civic

Generation: Civic 第八代

Date of Registration: 25th Jan 2007

Place of Birth: Honda, Japan

Color: Pearl White

Weight 1190Kg

Engine Capacity: 1799cc

Fuel Tank: 50Litre

Blood Type: Petrol

Burning money

2007-04-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

I have always been a heavy smoker but since sunday I actually stop smoking.... Over the past 16 years, I have spent at least 50K on smoking alone. Come to think of it, why do I smoke in the first place? I always turn to smoking whenever I am stressed, tired or confuse but it doesn't help me in any way. I could have done alot more with that sum of money.

By quiting on cigarette, I can save up to 300 a month. With that money, I can do up my Civic. First thing I want to do is to fix up the bumper, then change a new set of 17" rim follow by exhuast, stabilizing bar and many more....

Been working for 3 years in this company, not a single cent saved..... what a failure.... Starting from next month, I am going to account for every cents spent and make sure I start saving. Dun wanna end p with nothing but debts when I am old....

Sickening

2007-04-07T20:06:00.000+08:00

These couple of months were real bad for me and people around me. Last month, I sent Mew to TTSH A & E in the middle of the night as she was having high fever, then 2 weeks ago another friend of mine got into some trouble with the law. Last week I bang my car and caused a crack on the bumper.

This week was even worse, firstly I was having a high fever on Tuesday while at work. I struggled through work and hit the bed the moment I am home. My head was spinning as though its gonna explode any moment. The next day, I visited the Doc and was given 2 days of M.C for high fever. On Thursday night as I was having coffee with Ken and Gary at Punggol, I black-out just as I stood up to walk to the toilet. I hit the floor flat which caused my chin to open up. When I regained conscious, my shirt was covered with blood dripping from my chin. I was sent to Changi Hospital A & E and had 6 stitches.

Damn it... wonder what else gonna come..... Just hope its not what I am thinking.......

小白受伤了

2007-04-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

'小白' Part II

2007-03-26T22:54:00.000+08:00

Introducing '小白'

2007-03-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

Run forest run...

2007-03-19T21:21:00.000+08:00

In another 2 months time, its my IPPT again... Sigh... haven't jogged for a year and now I am back to the track again this evening. Took almost 14mins to complete....2km. Ok ok I know its 2.4km but that's all I can cover today. Feel my whole body aching..... But then again, it feel good to be sweating like a dog. I feel so fresh after bathing... This wednesday I am gonna cover the entire 2.4km maybe not in 12min 40sec bt defintely gona complete the entire course.

Although I hardly jogged for a year but the fact is I love jogging. To me, its not just physical training but also on the mind. I used to jog 5km alone every evening when I was in the force. Whenever I knock off, I always feel so tired to go jogging but I pushed myself to put on my PT attire and hit the road. Its about discipline and determination. At times, I feel like stopping to walk but I always push myself and encourage myself along the way till I reach the finishing line. Its a good training for the mind, just like in my daily life, there are times when I feel so tired and feel like throwing in the towel but I endured and pulled through.

What exactly does sucess mean and what exactly does failure mean? I asked myself countless time in my life. Trying to find an answer all these while but in vain... I guess sucess mean denying failure and failure mean giving up sucess. Since I was a kid, I always want a clear answer between right and wrong, good and bad but as I grew up, I realise there is never a clear answer. We all live in a grey zone, most important is to be true to yourself.

Lesson Learnt

2007-03-09T00:46:00.000+08:00

Its been a tough yet fufiling week, managed to accomplish all the jobs set with the assistance of my few good guys left. Finally the management has given me the green light to increase my manpower. This time I am gonna be very careful in choosing the right candidates. I feel that for a very long time, I had been very naive and softhearted. I believe in others too easily and failed to see the monster behind the mask. After all this incidents, I learnt my lesson and swear never to fall for all the bullshit anymore. I have paid a high price for it but I am gonna remember it forever...

Feel so tired now... my eyes can hardly open but as I watched her sleeping peacefully by my side, all my worries are gone. She is like a little cat, always full of energy and curious about everything around her. At times she look tired or lazy but when something gets attention, she sprung up and gets energetic again.

Oh no... I doze off while writing my blog... ZZZzzzzz

Laws of Power

2007-03-05T04:20:00.000+08:00

Lunar New Year is finally over.... For the first time after so many years, I didn't gamble during this period nor did I really drink. Other than the 2 official public holidays, I spent the rest of Lunar New Year at work. I don't really feel it this year. Maybe things weren't going smooth for me to have the mood.....

I had always abide the laws of power for so many years and just once I let my guard off, I am caught with my pants down. I can see it as a good thing or a bad thing. The good thing is I am clear of the situation at work now and able to plan with clear mind, the bad thing is till today then I learn how bad am I at management. With a mind to leave this job and start afresh else where initially but now that I am faced with so many problems had made me stay. Perhaps I am really very stubborn, facing with so much problems and pressure from the top to cut down on budget, I find it even more challenging to stay on. When I first joined this group, I watched my seniors left one after the other. I wanted to leave at that time too but something just made me stay on, maybe its my stubborness or interest. Day by day, I overcome each and every problem and watch the group grew stronger and stronger. Now that I am sitting on top of the group, I feel it going downhill again. Its even more tough than the past to bring it back to the top again as things has changed. Time is an issue now, technology has changed, the people working for me has changed.... But nothing is going to bring me or the group down. Till the last man left standing, I will not give up. Even if everyone turns their back on me, I will uphold the group....

Last fight...

2007-02-05T01:41:00.000+08:00

Spent the last few nights out with Mew... Perhaps both of us are in the same shit. We clinged on to a relationship that does not belong to us...

I haven't been in contact with J for a long time... I don't have the courage to do so as I don't know how I would react when I know she is married... so I choose to avoid knowing anything. I believe if she is mine, she will return someday... The day that she return, she will never leave me again.

Boss is leaving for U.S again tomorrow for a week... Sight.. gotta run the show again. I am really tired at times, really feel like giving up on them and everything... Why can't they put themselves in my shoe and think?? If I had the choice, I would want to be nice to everyone and be happy at work too but can I?? Can I take everything easily and things still run smoothly?? I tried to let go slowly for them to run the show but things get messed up and I get blamed for it. Will they ever understand why I have to be harsh on them, will they ever understand that I am doing for the sake of the group. I want to make everyone in the group proud, I want others to look up on our group. Since I was in Airforce, I was taught be the best of the best. I feel that I had done my best to be at the top since I joined this company. But now, I can't do so anymore.... I have lost the support of my EAs, I am placed in a very disadvantage position & my competitors are too strong. I agree that the main reason we work is for money but that is not everything for me. If I want to leave, there are jobs waiting for me right now offering the same salary but I still don't wan to surrender, I still don't want to admit that I had lost...

I will give myself another 3 months to put up a last fight... If I still can't make any significant improvement of the group, I will choose to leave... For the first time, I surrender... Hope it won't happen. Cause I am afraid if I walked away this time, I will always choose the easy way out in future..... Hope I will have the strength to turn the situation around...

Honda FD

2007-01-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

After 2 months of long wait, I finally got my car today... Went driving around in the evening and end up at lower seletar reservior. I stared at the sea and J's face just came to my mind.... It will be 2 years in another month. Perhaps its really time to let go for real.....

Been really busy for the past few weeks. 21 days of work without a rest till last sunday where I finally get to rot at home..... Back to my FD, right now have to endure till I hit 1000km before I can test the top speed of my Honda FD. She is like my princess, with the Mugen kit fitted, she is the main attention on the road. She has the class yet wild. Right now she is warming up getting ready for speed.

Church Mouse

2007-01-19T22:25:00.000+08:00

This is one of the worst period of my life... All the bad things seems to come together... I had been sick since early this week, I reached the bottle-neck of my career and worst of all, for the first time in my life, I am left with 30 buck to get by for the rest of the month... Since I started working, never before in my life was I so broke... Can't believe that I am earning more than 4k a month and now I end up in this state.

I have been looking at the same report for 2 days yet not being able to write a single thing. Talked to my boss about it hoping to get some help from him but all he said to me was to take some time to do long term planning and he is sure I am able to come out with something. Sigh... Its as good as not getting any help..... Tomorrow and sunday is my last chance of coming up with something for Monday's MBO. But even if I managed to get by this month, what about next month or the month after next...... Perhaps I should start to see a bigger picture to come up with some long term goals and objectives for my group or I should start looking for another job. I feel that I am really not suitable to be in the management. I still prefer being an engineer assistant doing more technical stuff... Everyone looks forward to promotion and pay rise but the price to pay for is defintely high. Higher post and pay comes with higher resposibilities and workload.

I did my sum well before buying my car, until now I still cannot figure out what went wrong. After settling my balance a few days back, I realised that I am left with nothing but 30 buck. Till now, I still don't know where did all the money went to.... Only enough for a cup of coffee everyday and nothing more....

Sick Cat

2007-01-17T19:56:00.000+08:00

Fever, headache, flu, sorethroat, cough.. all came together this week. I felt like a sick cat today.... so weak and dizzy... Have to struggle till next Monday before I can take a day off to rest. Can't believe that its only Wednesday today..... I wonder how long will it take for me to recover this time.. Its been more than a year since I last took medical leave. I hardly fell sick or rather I hardly admit I am sick but whenever I am sick, its always very serious and takes very long to recover.....

Though I make sure I get off on time these few days to rest at home but its also these few days where I feel very lonely. It seems like I have only myself in this world... Maybe I am not just physically weak but also mentally weak. Gets very emotional when I am sick....

月半小夜曲

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

仍然倚在失眠夜望天边星宿
仍然听见小提琴如泣似诉再挑逗
为何只剩一弯月留在我的天空
这晚以后音讯隔绝
人如天上的明月是不可拥有
情如曲过只遗留无可挽救再分别
为何只是失望填密我的空虚
这晚夜没有吻别
仍在说永久想不到是借口
从未意会要分手
但我的心每分每刻仍然被她占有
她似这月儿仍然是不开口
提琴独奏独奏着明月半倚深秋
我的牵挂我的渴望直至以后

14th Jan'07

2007-01-14T22:40:00.000+08:00

Its been months since I last had any contact with J... Everytime I writes a mail to her, I delete without the courage to send. No matter how much I still love her or miss her, I had to let go... She is getting married this year, happiness is right in front of her and who am I to stand in her way?? Maybe CT is right, we loved someone but we had to move on....

These few weeks I have been out partying with Ken and Kieth at JB every weekend. I thought that I really enjoy but the truth is I am just escaping from reality. I have even lost my passion in work. It used to be able to keep me occupied and make me forget everything including time but now my heart is never at work. Been looking through my resignation letter a few times today. I moved the cursor to the 'print' icon wondering if I should print it and pass to my boss tomorrow.... I feel very sorry to leave as he had given me so much and it seems very selfish for me to leave at this point of time when he needed me. To be honest, with a diploma it is almost impossible to get another job of this position and this salary but I guess at times money is not everything.

Finally my car has reached the port, will be able to collect after a week or two after fitting the body kit and some accessories. I should be feeling very excited about it but I don't feel a thing at all. Perhaps she isn't around.... My first passenger??? Well got to be CT I guess, she is the one whom encourage me to buy Honda Civic 1.8 and also the one whom told me to choose white. Though we had only known each other for a short period and hardly in contact but maybe wehave a lot in common or rather in the same shit we seems to be able to click well.

One boy One girl

2007-01-08T21:22:00.000+08:00

For the first time I heard someone saying that I am cute. I always feel like a little boy being with her though I am actually older than her. I wonder what got into me last week when we were at her apartment. We stood at the balcony without a word.... For a very long time, we keep silent then I turned to her and said we should make a move as Ken and Keith are waiting in DeBieres. She looked at me and moved very close to me, so close that I could feel her breath. 'Such a good boy?' What was that suppose to be?? Under normal circumstance, something should happen that night but it didn't. Even I couldn't explain why... Maybe there was someone else still living in my heart and I didn't want to hurt such a nice girl like her.

As we joined the group in DeBieres, Karen started to crack jokes about us and soon everyone joined in. No one seems to believe that nothing actually happened up there.....Dammit...

地狱里的天使

2007-01-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

她让我无法相信这世界还有这么单纯善良的人
她就像是活在地狱里的天使
傻乎乎的站在人群中

她对身旁的魔鬼一点戒心都没有对每个人都非常诚恳
觉得这个世界没有坏人
让我不经为她担心很想保护她
但我知道我不能无时无刻守在她生边
莫非真得让她受到伤害才能学会保护自己
才能了解防人之心不可无的道理吗？

我忘了曾经何时我也用心对待身边每一个人
是她太天真还是我们对人失去了信任
是社会改变了我们还是我们改变了这个社会。。。。

Happy New Year 2007

2007-01-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

Returned from JB at 4am this morning and spent the entire day sleeping. Feel so awake now... sigh... Received another greeting from her last night.. just as before, I choose not to reply. I guess its just a mass sms to everyone in her phone list. Perhaps I was lucky that when I received it, I was already at JB with my buddies. All I wanna say again is ' If you can't make my life better, don't make it worse.' Perhaps CT is right about her comment ' I love you but I had to move on...'

I guess soon JB will become my second home too. Last night while we were on our way back, Ken was already making plans for our next trip。 These 2 days we have been going to the same pub or rather pubs as they are actually 2 pubs side by side under the same management. I personally feel that one big difference about the pub there as compared to the ones I been to in Singapore is their service. The waiters look more professional and defintely more polite. Well the only bad point perhaps is the sercurity in the carpark. You have to really lock your car well and yet can't be garanteed it would be there when you are back. In Singapore, there are also some pubs which are as grand but the staffs really sucks. Perhaps they had forgotten that no matter how grand their pubs are, you are only a waiter or waitress there. So stop being snobbish.... We are paying alot more yet we are not getting the service that we deserve.

Dizzy day

2006-12-31T17:18:00.000+08:00

Accompanied Ken & Keith to JB last night for a little drink but end up drinking till 3am. Feel so tired this morning, was supposed to go back to company but wasn't able to make it. Just received a call from Ken that they are going to JB again tonight for the countdown and now on the way down to pick me.... I guess JB has become their second home.

Met up with GX for coffee just now, he rode his 600cc bike down and wanted me to go for a test ride. But I told him I have no more feeling for bike.... Is that really the case??? Has my passion for bike really faded away or is it the fear that's stopping me??? Perhaps I really stopped riding for too long. Bike used to be my life, no matter how serious I hurt myself in the accident, I could start riding the moment I removed my cast or bandage. I believe I have to start riding again or I will really lose the courage to ride in future... If I lost it, I won't have the courage to accomplish anything in future.

To the hell with Christmas

2006-12-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

Its Christmas and here I am alone.... Couple of hours ago, I was dressed up and ready to go partying then I received an Christmas greeting from her... Cancelled my outing and stayed at home trying to get myself drunk with Merlot. Countless time I had told myself to walk out of it but did I??? There she is starting a new life in someone else arms while I am still right here waiting like a fool.... Am I drunk yet or am I still sober??? My eyes were flooded with tears, yes I cried... for a long time, I hid my feeling that even I though I got over....

Sorry J, I still love you....

Truth Fact of Human

2006-12-21T00:51:00.000+08:00

The primary reason human work is for money, follow by interest or for some who are lucky to pass time. I start to have this thought, human are just like machine. Each of us makes up a part of a production line or a product. The difference is the production time is long and the yield is low. It takes 10 months to produce a baby and at times due to miscarriage or abortion, zero yield is achieved. Of course there are some people who only carries out mechanical test or dry run with nothing being produced as in protected sex.

After the hardware is assembled as in we are born into this world, we are put through alot of test by the QC inspector whom we call doctors. Then we are put to school to input software and programmes. Along the way, some are rejected or downgraded as class B or C products by going through Polytechnic or ITE with limited software or put into use with only basic Operating system. After we graduate and start working, we get to upgrade our software version or new software installed by going through what we call seminar or crash course.

Once we reached a certain age, our OS become obsolete and not compatible for new software, then we are put aside and wait to be scrapped... That's life...

Getaway

2006-12-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

Finally after months of hard work, the east plant is having its opening ceremony tomorrow. Though there are still bits and pieces left to be done but overall I can proudly declare Test Equipment Group fully operational. Looking back the days when there was nothing but partitions. Slowly one after another, the equipments started to come in and there were always unexpected problems during set-up. How my guys and I used to worked for 16hrs a day throughout the week and under pressure from everyone around us. Now that everything has stablized and system set-up, perhaps its time for me to go in peace...

How I wish to spend some time in peace without having to think about equipment status, looking through datas or worry about my guys getting into trouble. I stared into the map thinking of a place where I can find back myself and start all over again. For 2 years, I never live a single day for myself but for work and for someone who will never return. Really wish to spend some time away from Singapore, away from everyone I know. To a place where I won't be reminded of anyone or any memories....

Stress=Pressure??

2006-12-12T00:55:00.000+08:00

Am I under too much stress?? All I know is I do feel the pressure of my work but not to the extent of being stress. Pressure makes diamond, isn't that what people always say?? I always like my work as it is very challenging, at times to the extent that I would forget everything including time. When I am stuck with some problems, I always feel very energetic. I might be going on for days without sleep but I don't feel tired at all. Everytime I solve it, I would look at J's photo hoping that she would be proud of me. I really wish to share the joy with her but I know its impossible....

I treat all my EAs as my little brothers and sisters, hoping to teach them as much as I could. But I guess my workload doesn't allow me to have the time to be patient with them or any space for them to make mistakes. Maybe its due to my past in Airforce, I always expect them to be discipline and professional. Not allowing anything personal to affect work. I stil remembered one of my EAs who had left once told me. Don't expect everyone to be like me, they are human and their emotions are affected by things that evolve around their lives. I guess in another word, I am not human...

Workaholic??

2006-12-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

First day at work after a long break and its another 17 hours of work.... sigh.... do I only get to rest the day I die?? Its beyond tired... I don't know how to describe it... Numb I guess, so tired that I can't feel a thing anymore....

Did 2 things last weekend which I am not sure if I would regret. Firstly I bought a Honda Civic 1.8 and secondly I didn't go for my JLPT4. Well I guess that's life.. Everything happen for a reason, just hope it's for a good one...

Counting down...

2006-12-01T23:06:00.000+08:00

2 more days to JLPT4, feeling real sick today. I really wish to bang my head against the wall. Really feel like giving up... Had 4 cans of redbull and a slab of panadol but still having a very bad headache... I really don't think I can pass the test. I always feel I am capable of everything I set my mind to do but this time I really can't do it. No matter how hard I study, it just won't get into my mind.

Promised CT I will take the test but I believe I will still flunk the test badly. Today is the first day I quit smoking, the temptation to smoke is very great but since I already stopped for more than 12 hours, I should press on. I am sure I can do it.... if I still survive...

Ah Guan called me today to meet up for coffee with WL but I declined. Not because I am still angry with WL but it just feel strange as we hadn't been talking for a long time after that incident and I don't wanna be in places that I would smoke like sitting at coffeeshop. Hey WL, I promise I will call you out for coffee once I am sure I quit smoking entirely. Like you say, we are brothers and you are also my mum's godson. No matter what happens, we are brothers forever. Since when do I really get angry with you over anything.

Phantom Of The Opera... gone with the wind

2006-11-30T18:48:00.000+08:00

After years of waiting, the Phantom of the Opera is finally coming to town. I got to know about this story when I was in the band playing some of its music. My band instructor wanted me to know more about the story so that I could understand the music even better. I fall in love with it after reading the story book and listening to the CDs... How I wish to see it for myself all these while.

This morning I booked the tickets right after CT agreed to go. Even got the best seats facing the stage. I was so excited about it but in the end she can't make it for some reason.... Is it really impossible for guy and gal to be just friends?? What's important is we have a clear conscience isn't it?? I don't feel that we did anything wrong, but why do we give in still?? Are we admiting that we are the one in the wrong?? Do we have to live under everyone's eyes. Abide the so called rules that no one knows who set it. Start to wonder if we really live for ourself?

With 2 tickets in hand, wonder what to do with it... To frame it so that I remember I almost get to watch it?? I guess I'll have to miss the show again.... Wonder when's the next time they will come to Singapore again..... Sigh... missed the show and lost a good friend whom I can really talk to....

O.G

Truth or Lies

2006-11-29T13:21:00.000+08:00

They say if you love someone, you should never lie to her but is the truth really what people wanna hear or it that what can make your love ones happy? Today is the first time I lied to J, perhaps I should call it a white lie. Between telling the truth and lie, I guess it better for her this way. At least she won't be sad or troubled... I always believe that to love someone is not to possess her but to give her happiness. If I am not the one who can give her happiness but someone else I should let her go... Though I am sure I can do it but I am not what her heart want at this moment or maybe even in the future...

I really wish to see her again but I am afraid I would not bear to leave if I see her again. J, after watching over you for so long, I guess you don't need me to be around anymore. Your career is starting to pick up and so is your love life. My existence is redundant now, promise me you will never shed a tear of sadness and be strong. Wherever I am, I will love you and think of you. Remember you are not being selfish or unfair to me. Time is not a factor, neither is the promise you can't give. Even if we were back together, I don't need any promise from you to stay with me or love me forever. I just wanna do my best to give you happiness. J's smile is the most beautiful smile in the world like I always tell you. I will do whatever just to make you smile...

Rain....Tears....

2006-11-28T17:00:00.000+08:00

Its been raining the whole day so is my heart.... I can't express how lost i feel now. So helpless, so afraid, just like a child who has lost his way...

J... I miss you very much.. I really wish to hold your hands once again and tell you I love you and I will always be there for u. But I am in no position to do that anymore. I just want you to know that wherever I am, you will always be in my heart..

Thanks for telling me that you once truly love me... It enough for me to last a lifetime. I am really satisfied just to know that. Thanks for everything, for walking into my life, for the wonderful past we had...

I want you to know that I am always here for you. Its not unfair or selfish to me for you to return, please don't think this way. Its the best thing that could ever happen to me should you reutrn one day but if you don't.. I wont blame you too. From that day we were together, I promised you I would respect every decision you make.

Long Vocation

2006-11-28T02:11:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I really had a good rest. Wonder how I would get by the day without having to work starting from this minute. With my passport lying on the table, I have the urge to just grab my bag and fly off to anywhere. Away from everyone I know, away from work, away from everything.... To a place where I can find back myself again...

J... I really miss you... Till today I still love you like I always do... I hope you are doing well and really happy with your life. I guess you must be starting to prepare for your wedding by now. I have a feeling I will never get to see you again for as long as I live. But as I promised you, I will love you and be there for you till the last sunset.... Perhaps you are right, I really owe you a lot in our previous lives and I am repaying now. Be it any reason, I am still very thankful for knowing you. Like I always say, you are not in the wrong. You gave me the chance in the past. I had only myself to blame for losing you.Don't ever say sorry to me again, I am the one to be blame for everything.

I suddenly have this thinking, if I completely lost my eyesight someday and can't see the sunset, does it mean I will have to stop loving you? I will treasure every sunrise and sunset..

Ouch!!

2006-11-23T03:23:00.000+08:00

Finally home after 18hrs of work... Had a bad fall at the stairway just now. Of all places, I hurt my broken wrist again. I struggled to stand up and walked away as though nothing had happened. After going through so much, I am used to keeping slient even in great pain. I have only myself to depend on in this world.

In another 4 hours, I will be on my way to work again. I start to question myself, 'why am I working so hard?' Definitely not for another promotion or a higher bonus...... Is this consider self-destruction? I can't think at all now.. Tomorrow morning is the monthly MBO again, my monthly nightmare.... All I know is I just hope one day I will just drop dead while walking or while resting. I know very well I can't let go of her yet its a fact I had to face. I start to feel very lost, living aimlessly looking for a reason to live on....

Looking back this year, looking forward next year??

2006-11-18T19:41:00.000+08:00

Finally home.... Having a real bad headache.. Reached home at 3am this morning and dragged myself to office at 8am. Frankly speaking, I don't really have anything so urgent to be back in the office today. Just because J is working today so I wanna wanna cherish the opportunity of chatting with her over email.

Another month more and 2006 is over... Looking back, what have I achieve?? Nothing....
What do I look forward to in 2007?? Nothing again..... Maybe I will be in another place living a totally different life. Be it good or bad, that's the path for me I guess.

I wanna sleep in peace, to wake up smiling again and to breath like normal again. Its been a long since I ever felt that way. Took a walk in the park before I came home. Will this be the last time I come here??

即使再多的分离

2006-11-16T20:22:00.000+08:00

用尽剩馀的人生
说出隐藏很久的心意
即使再多的分离
我俩还是会再次相遇

命运始终会记得
将我俩带往何处
同一天同一地点
紧紧相互长相守

要相离别说再见
祈求你在我生边
从开始至到永远
我唯一的爱是你

....

2006-11-13T03:34:00.000+08:00

Took a short break before I start writing my blog again this month. I guess alot of people must have stopped visiting my blog thinking that I had stopped writing for good perhaps so does J... Maybe its a good thing this way....

Just like Jun-Hyung in 'Sad love story', I too feel that to love a person is not just about being with her. Its about giving her happiness and seeing her living happily. No matter how much I yearn to talk to her, no matter how much I wish to hold her hand again, to pass her the little love notes.... I can't. Knowing that she has found the man she love, living well and getting ready for marriage....there is nothing more I can ask for in this life. Perhaps in her heart, I am only a passerby of her life, nothing worth to remember. All these while, I can only see her from a distance every now and then. It does hurt seeing her in someone's arm but its all worth it as long as I know she is doing well. I walked passed her countless time but never had the courage to even stop and say hi....

I think the last thing I can do to make her feel better would be to let her believed I had moved on and got over it.... It really takes alot to lie to someone whom you love deeply that you had moved on and the feeling towards her is gone.... But if it will make her feel better, perhaps I should... To tell her I had long forgotten about our past, I had found someone new, I am very happy with my life now...

Sad love story

2006-11-12T20:11:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole day watching korean drama 'Sad love story'. Watched right through 9 episode at a shot another 19 episode to go. It really touched me deeply how much the guy in the story love the girl. I guess in reality no matter how strong a relationship seems to be, one party would have a change of heart when knowing that the other party is dead or gone. Or maybe thats the nature of human where feeling grows over time when you are away from the one you love and being with another. Does everyone moves on, then what am I?? (CT, all your fault for recommending me this drama, its making me so sad.....)

How I wish to take leave tomorrow and spent finish watching the entire episode.... Boss is leaving for Japan again tomorrow... Haiz.... I'll have to run the show alone again for the entire week. What worse is this time, I would be running both plant. Sigh.... am I not human or have people forgotten that I am human. Boss told my EAs the other day that I have no life and I am a workaholic thats why he can trust everything with me. Is that the impression I gave to people nowadays?? I am tired too.... Haven't had a day of MC or leave for the whole year. Machine also need downtime for maintenance or parts change. Time to continue watching....

Move on... blindly

2006-11-11T16:53:00.000+08:00

Alot of couples have this question in mind or rather have asked their other half before 'why do you love me or what do you love about me?' I guess there is no answer to that. Alot of people have also asked questions like what sort of guy or gal you like. We can describe the person as in physical appearance or character but in actual fact we might not fall for the person when he or she appear. I might not be able to accept a plump and ugly girl but if J were to turn plump and ugly, I would still love her as before. I don't know the reason too, all I know is because its her.....

Maybe you might meet 2 person of equal qualites but you will only have feeling for one of them which even you can't explain. I really envy those people who can move on easily after a failed relationship. They will find another person and start another relationship in no time but I just can't. Everyone tells me its takes time and I will slowly walk out of this. Is that really true?? Maybe I am too stubborn or rather my heart is too stubborn. At work, I am always ready for changes. I decide base on result and establish direction. At any point of time, I am always ready to change the direction if there is new development in the test but not in matters of the heart.

Last night while I was in the office, Angel called me out for a drink. She held my hand and leaned on me in the pub. End of the day she gave me a hug and kissed me.... I couldn't understand why... Perhaps till today, I am not ready to accept anyone else into my life and never will. She has the looks and everything but I just can't accept her. CT told me to give it a try and see how things develop from here... Maybe I can just ignore my heart and be with her but is that really life?? Promised her I will be meeting her for dinner and movie tonight.....

As we grown older, we clearly know what we want in life but is that good or bad. We decide what sort of job we work, what sort of car we drive, what sort of life we live, what sort of person we love... The more we know or the more we want, the more complicated life get. I asked CT if I am consider sucessful and she said I am but to me, I am a total failure.... I have all that I don't desire and I don't have what my heart desire most. All I want is a simple life with the person I love most.

TDC

2006-11-08T22:52:00.000+08:00

This afternoon was my first time presenting in the Technical Conference and..... I screwed it. Even I feel that this presentation sucks.... Wonder is it because I was over confident which leads to lack of preparation... To be honest, I didn't spend much time preparing for it unlike the past when I did for my boss. I took a few weeks to prepare for the presentation in the past but this time, I took only 2 days.

This afternoon, I promised J I would do my best but when I got up there, my brain simply go blank. I could see the disappointment in the people who came to attend. Everyone seems to have high hopes on me before the presentation but after I was done with my presentation, I was ashame to even look at their face. How I wish there was a hole for me to jump in. Although no one including my boss mentioned a thing about it after the conference but I felt real bad. Complaint to CT about it in the evening, I feel that I could have done better but its all over....

....

2006-10-31T19:24:00.000+08:00

For the first time, I gave up without putting on any fight for the reason I am living for.. Maybe I have no confident at all of changing anything, maybe I don't know if its right for me to do so disrupting the peace and happy live you are enjoying now.... You were never in the wrong, you told me you would give me a chance and you did. I took up the chance but I lost it still.... I have no one to blame... I am letting go of the only motivation I have been living for for the past 18months.

Have I changed or have you not understand me well in the past?? I really can't answer you that. What was I in the past?? I was confident, sensible, responsible, calm and have plans for the future?? What am I now?? I am emotionally unstable, I feel lost, I have no fighting spirit, I am useless overall I am as good as dead.

I don't know what happened to me today... I overturned everything in the room, tear up all the notes on the table, the moment I got home. Surpringly the laptop still works.... I suddenly feel lost of direction... where am I heading, what should I do next... felt very depressed... I am scare... I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know why am I working, what do I want to achieve, I can't feel anything, I just wish to run away from everything.. I don't even know what I am waiting, what I am hoping... Just wanna escape from the real world.....

ZZzz..

2006-10-30T20:24:00.000+08:00

Sigh... I am so tired and the bed is so tempting, how I wish to dive right into it and sleep... Still gotta revise my Japanese....

This morning I received an email from CT while at work. She told me that she envy me for being able to love someone so deeply... But again is that a good thing or a bad thing?? I guess its only a good thing if the other party reciprocate...

A few questions post by her keep going through my mind today. What is love, what is forever and when was the last time I felt really happy...

No one on earth is able to clearly define love. According to Oxford Dictionary, Love means deep affection or fondness. I personally feel that nothing last forever, but that doesn't mean everything will come to an end. You might have done or said something that touched someone's heart but that doesn't mean it will last forever when you did nothing for the next few years or decades. Love requires continous attention, just like a plant, you can't simply water once and expect it to grow forever. It requires you to nuture it with attention and care.

As for when was the last time I felt really happy.... It gotta be the time when J said 'I love you.' to me. I guess alot of people will find nothing special about it because when couples are together, its very common to say that but its very different because she told me she will not said it unless she mean it. So for the begining when we were together, she never said it to me before until one night she suddenly told me that. That was the happiest moment of my life. After that I don't know what happiness means anymore...

Zombie....

2006-10-30T03:03:00.000+08:00

Its almost 3am and I am just back from office... Haiz... what a sunday... Returned from office at 3pm, just about to take a short nap then received a call from company again. Rushed back in the evening and in 4 hours time I will be back in the company attending to customer's audit...

Told CT that I feel like giving up on my Japanese, simply no time to revise... Don't think I can make it for JLPT4 in 3rd of Dec. CT told me not to give up as she is also planning to continue her Japanese lesson to fulfil her dream of going to Japan. Seems something impossible for me to fulfil that dream... I am so tired.... but still got to make use of this 4 hours to revise my Japanese as I promised CT that I will not give up. Sigh... should I still go for the revision class in the evening later??

Wake up wake up!!!! Can't sleep, if I sleep now is as good as giving up. Must make full use of this 4 hours of free time to go through the notes. I guess the only way is to keep reminding myself that J is getting married soon so I must make it so as to leave Sg and hide in Japan... From now till JLPT4, I must be very discipline and make sure I revise everyday no matter how late I reach home.

tsuka re ma shita

2006-10-29T17:16:00.000+08:00

Supposed to spent my Sunday sleeping the whole morning and revise my Japanese in the afternoon but a phone call came and I ended up in the company again.... Feel so tired.....

Just wanna get back to sleep and revise my Japanese tonight.... Oyasuminasai....

Case close

2006-10-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Haiz.. finally home and having my first meal of the day, cup noodle.... From morning till night, it was a very busy day for me... running between east plant and west plant..

After final discussion with my principle engineer, he finally accepts my development of FX application based on last night test result... I have been working on this application for months... Thinking back it was tough but this morning when I saw the test result ran last night, all hard work was worth it. Now its time to write the entire development into a report.. a real thick report...

Months ago during the initial set up. We had many ups and downs from basic structure building till now the entire application, Every time we put the application into test, the results were always negative.... I reviewed the test result over and over again, at times I would spend the whole day staring at the result. Study into every detail of failed result... almost gave up the development of this application. Even my assistants helping me with the development and my boss told me its impossible. No one was able to provide me any answer. My assistants who helped me to run the test were tired too... At times I had no direction at all and I would come up with some crazy setting for them to run. Every time I review the test results, I feel like giving up.... Luckily my principle engineer supported my groundless concept and even went as far as getting the material I asked for from our Japan Company. Heard that it might be implemented in our sister company in Taiwan.

Received a sms from CT this afternoon when I came out of cleanroom. Wanted to share with her my good news but could tell that she was unhappy. Thought of calling her out for coffee but I was running some test at east plant and having some problem at west plant. By the time I was done with my stuff it was night time. Wasn't sure what happened to her but as a friend, I guess my role was to provide a listening ear if she needed and not to probe further into it. CT told me that marriage is a total new chapter of life rather than a continuation of dating. It is not a fairy tale story where the prince and princess live happily ever after... But then why is it not so??? Isn't your other half suppose to be the most supportive person in your life, to share your happiness and sadness? Be there for you when the world turns it back on you.... No matter how the world change, that’s still my thinking about marriage.

Baden again

2006-10-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

MBO finally over... Got a grade B, though its below my expectation but it would certainly make me work harder on next month MBO....

Met CT for dinner at Baden this evening. Though we agreed not to mention any unhappy stuffs but still we end up talking about our relationship or rather our thinking about relationship... which leads to J. Back to the same question again. Why do I love J so much and is there really true love in this world?? She feels that maybe the reason why I am clinging on still is because I am not in possession of her. Perhaps if we were together from then till now, I would not cherish her as much as I do now. Well I do agree that all human only learn to cherish after they lost. But between J and me... I guess its only for her to judge how I treat her or how I feel for her when we were together till now. CT do not believe that there is really true love in this world. Everything should have an expiry date be it product or feeling. Just like what Guns & Roses says 'Nothing last forever, even cold November rain...' She feel that its only good to be faithful to relationship unless you met someone who is equally truthful to you. That leads to what I always said about sweet talk. There is a hidden sentence behind every 'I love you'. When most people said that, it actually mean ' I love you.. provided that you love me too, if you leave me, I will hate you..'

Just like CT, I wanted to leave Sg too if given a chance. Now that I am learning Japanese, I hope that one day I can stay in Japan for a period too. The culture and the environment is simply irresistable. CT suggested going over for a year or two, only then will we be able to really pick up the language and we can teach English to earn a living too just like what the Japanese are doing here. I guess its easy for me to put everything behind and move over anything whereas for her, its not as simple as that.

Hey CT, maybe someday I would live your dream for you.. haha

MBO..

2006-10-25T22:54:00.000+08:00

Haiz... so tired today.... Boss called me in the morning informing that he is not feeling well and will not be coming to work today and tomorrow. Seems like everyone is allowed to be sick except me...

Tomorrow is a big day for me, my first MBO presentation... Hope that things will go well for me... Spent half the day preparing my report and going through again and again... Heard that some big shot from Japan is flying over to sit in for the MBO too. First MBO and my boss is not around to back me up... Looks like I have to depend on myself tomorrow then. If things goes smoothly, then maybe I will meet CT for dinner to celebrate. Right now I can only keep my finger crossed.

雨中的思念

2006-10-24T18:17:00.000+08:00

好久没淋过雨
已忘了与谁曾在雨中散步
独自淋雨以为能让我清醒
但对你的思念却无法随着雨水流去
只能掩饰我的泪水。。。

真的好累
不想再装着一脸坚强而严肃的样子
希望有人能够了解我此时的心情
你的离去已成定局
但我始终无法接受命运的安排

如果时间能倒流而结局并没有改变
我还是会再说一次我爱你
再次许下我一辈子的承诺

贞，我好想你。。。。

Let go....

2006-10-24T13:20:00.000+08:00

I read a comment from an annoymous which seems obvious to anyone its from J. However something makes me refuse to be believe it was actually posted by her. I don't know what is it and I am not sure why... The time it was posted doesn't seems logic and the way it was phased was different from the way she used to sms me the in the past I have a habbit of reading into the ways different people phase their sentences. From the way they write I can pick up some unique points and even their feeling at that time. Even when CT left a comment as annoymous a few days back I could tell its from her. Perhaps I am still in the denial state after so long. I read it over and over again... Maybe I can come out with thousands of reasons to lie to myself that it wasn't from her but the truth is she had left....

J, if that was really posted by you and really what you want. As I had said it to you before, I'll say it once again, 'I've moved on...' I don't know where I can move on to. But as long as it can make you feel peace at heart knowing that I have moved on, your wish is granted.... Don't ask me why am I always treating you so good despite how deep you had hurt me. There's only one answer ' Because you are who you are....'

As children bring their broken toys for us to mend, I brought my broken heart to God. I stood there helping with ways of my own. After some time, I snatched back my broken heart and cried ' What took you so long?' 'My son', God said, ' You never let go for me to mend it..'

Felt so lost today after reading the comment. Wanted to call CT out for coffee but she is not feeling well.. All my plans for the day were ruined. Maybe I should just escape from reality again.

背包

2006-10-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

这是你给我的最后一份礼物
它陪着我度过每一天陪着我上下班
就如同你在我身边
不知不觉它以成为我的一部份
望着它我总会想起你想起我们的过去
不知原方的你过着怎样的生活。。。

God needs a rest too

2006-10-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

Finally get to rest tomorrow... On my way back from office, I saw a dead dog lying in the middle of the road. Next to the dog was another dog sitting beside. The cab driver told me that the dog has been sitting there for a long time as he saw it too when he passed by a couples of hours ago. I was really touched by the scene....

Its been 2 continous weeks of working more than 12 hrs a day. Feel so sick at work today, having a very bad headache that I really wish to bang against the wall. Then I received a message from CT saying that she is sick and lying at home the whole day watching T.V. How I envy her... no matter how sick I am, I still have to crawl to work. Boss came over to new plant today in the afternoon. Discussed some data with him then saw him squating at the corner of the room. Heard that he is not feeling well, shortly after he went home. How I wish to tell him I am very sick too and would like to leave on time too... Left office at 10 after 14hrs of work, felt so tired and hungry.... No dinner at home.. sigh... gotta sleep on an empty stomach tonight... CT, you see la, because you are sick, I have no dinner tonight... You owe me 2 meal already... a lunch and a dinner

Its public holiday tomorrow but its still a busy day for me........ Need to revise on my Japanese as the exam is coming then maybe to go down to Kah Motor for test drive on the Civic if Ken and Keith are free. Mm... my dream car is finally coming... Wonder if I should get the 1.6l or 1.8l??? If I decide to stay on in this company, I will get the 1.8l for sure. A few days back, while I was rushing my report, I felt someone massaging my shoulder. When I turned over, it was my VP, I was stunned as I don't really get to talk to him at all and heard that he doesn't really like my group in the past when boss was leading the group. Hope I can let him have a change of impression before I go so that my guys will be given better treatment in future.... OMG its MBO again this Thursday. Haven't even start writing my report for it.... Left 2 days to prepare then let VP approve before presenting to MD... Who the hell started MBO in this world.... Management By Objective.. I think its Making Balls Open more like it...

Follow your heart??

2006-10-22T04:20:00.001+08:00

I always envy CT for having such a wonderful marriage but recently after getting to know more about her did I feel that things weren't what I supposed to be. I don't know the whole story but I guess what I can do as a friend is to provide a listening ear than probing further. Afterall she has been a paitent listener whenever I need someone to talk to.

Some people jumped into another relationship after a failed relationship without time to heal the pain and only after marriage did they realised that the one next to them weren't who they really need. Only after a few years or even more than that do they realise what they really need. Is it just someone who love you more than you love the other party??? Love and being loved, which is more important??

A few days back, J told me that she doesn't wanna hurt another person anymore..... I know that she is in a dilemma now but I didn't want her to be unhappy or troubled over anything so I guess the only thing I can do for her is to step out....CT asked me why do I still love J so much after so long and we weren't really together for long... I didn't know how to answer her... Told her that I will be going through cold turkey from Monday onwards..... I totally agree with what CT told me the other day '往往让你笑的人也是让你哭的人。。‘

Meeting CT for dinner next week but we agreed not to talked about any unhappy stuff on that day. Just hope to spend a day in peace and enjoy the dinner.... At times what we want and what turn out to be might be totally different but do we have the courage to change it or do we accept it for making everyone around happy except ourself??

Sigh... back to company in 3 hours times... when do I get to rest???

Uncover the mystery

2006-10-19T19:28:00.000+08:00

Finally I get the answer for what I have been thinking all night long till morning. It was an unintentional call from J. I should have guessed it, perhaps for the rest of my life I will never get to hear from her at all.... She is leading a wonderful life now and preparing for her marriage, what is there for me to hope for??? All I can hope is for her to be loved and to wake up with a smile everyday. I will just be her guiding star hiding in the corner of the dark sky...

I sat at my void deck puffing away the entire pack of cigarette thinking of the days we had together... Its been so long but why do I still remember every single detail we been through... Never in this life would I forget the good times we had at SL. She would always stand at the bar counter watching me playing pool and told me that she would marry me immediately if I win the game... I stared at the cup of water I placed beside my bed every night, why do I wait for someone that will never turn up....

I look tough on the outside but I am really breaking down... To my assistants, I look arrogant, confident and aggressive but the truth fact is I am giving up on everything. Physically and mentally I feel its changing drastically. Feel weak easily and starts to get very emotional... I still struggle to perform at my best not for promotion or anything but I feel that its stil my responsible to complete this project. This afternoon at the new site, I noticed bloodstain when I coughed and almost fainted in the toilet... Hope my time is up soon, I can really close my eyes and forget about everything.

Miss call alert

2006-10-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

Its been almost 6 hours since I received a miss call alert from J. Should I call back??? I am worried that she is in trouble but normally she would sms me instead of calling me if she needed my help. But what if it was an unintentional call, what if she wanted to inform me about her wedding, what if she wanted to talked to me about the joint account again???

I asked CT if I should called back, she wanted me to think about it but personally she feel that it is not worth it. She told me that she feel that I still love J and reluctant to let go.... I don't deny that I had never stop loving her and never let go......

Tired but gotta hang on...

2006-10-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

Dragged myself to class last evening after work. I felt so lost in the class..... everyone seems to be well prepared while I am struggling through. Halfway through the class, Angel kept messaging me to meet her for a drink after my class. Really not in the mood to drink, tried rejecting her with various reasons but she insisted on meeting even if its just for an hour so I called Owster and dragged him along. While we were drinking, she suggested coming over to my place to cook for me on Sunday. My only reply was ' No thanks, you are not J... if you are, I will be the one cooking for you.....' Wonder if its too harsh to say that... After a couple of drinks, I left with Owster leaving her behind with her friends.

Sometimes I wonder why I totally lost interests in relationship. After J, a few women appeared in my life but I always back up whenever we reached the verge of starting a relationsip. I told Owster I had no confident in relationship or woman anymore. After what happened to me and what I see happening to friends around me, I am really afraid. Actually there's one girl whom I really admire alot. Not because of her beauty (though she is indeed very attractive) but of her character and positive attitude. She is very different from any other woman in the way that her determination and strength really attracted me. Despite having setbacks but she just won't give up on what she wants. Well too bad its totally impossible between us partly because she is taken, partly because of difference in background. Conclusion I missed the boat..... But still feels good to have her as a friend.

Just as I was packing up to leave the office, my manager walked over to start a casual chat with me. For the first time after 2 years of working, he came over to ask me if things were going on well for me. Depending on how you see it, maybe he can tell that I am really busy with new plant or he feels that I am lazing around so came over to check on me....

Feel like taking leave but because of a promised I made to my principle engineer, had to finish by the deadline set by myself no matter how many hours I had to work from now till next week. Even if I had to stay 24hours, I have to complete it.....

JLPT4...

2006-10-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

Missed the 3 musketeers gathering at JB today. Spent the entire day sleeping. Work up in the evening to start my revision for JLPT4. Haven't been in touch for 2 months, really feel like giving up the exam in Dec. The reason I took up Japnanese a year ago is to keep myself occupied so as to forget J..... Decided to spent the entire night revising till morning.... then Owster called me for a chat and wanted me to go online.....

Since I am waiting for him, might as well take the time to complaint abit here... Owster and I belong to the same cohort but we were working at different platform after graduating from AETI. At times I really wonder if he is really married with kid. He spent a great deal of time out doing his insurance during weekdays and weekends he would join us for drinking session. Now our group has a new combination, a married man, a divorceed man, a single man and a stubborn man that's me...

Everytime I tried to talk to him about changing to a more stable job, he would always change the topic. Perhaps everyone has different view on life.

Haiz so much more to read before the revision class start tomorrow....

Kinship

2006-10-14T21:15:00.000+08:00

Recently grandpa set his will, dad was given the biggest share among his siblings and since then my aunts seems to treat my grandpa differently. A few weeks ago, grandma was admitted to hospital. After everyone knows how much they are getting from the will, they didn't even bother to visit my grandma. I really don't understand.... All of them are filthy rich, why are they bothered by a few hundred thousand??? A few years back, grandpa wanted to give me a 3-room flat next to my current flat as a wedding gift with El but I rejected knowing how my aunts would react. Anyway El and I didn't make it to the red carpet at the end of the day. Does riches turned a person more greedy??

I have not seen my grandparents for almost a year due to my work. A couple of years back, grandma turned senile and couldn't recognise grandpa at all. But he was always there for her taking care of her and feeding her at every meal despite his age. Even though they have 2 maids at home, grandpa would still attend to her personally. Every night grandma would throw temper like a child and refused to sleep. Grandpa would seat with her in the courtyard until she is tired. I seen what true love is all about in grandpa. Its not about sweet talks or buying gifts for your love ones. Its about being with her through health and sickness till death do they part...... I am really touched by his action. I seldom get to see grandpa as he is always in Thailand attending to our temper's festival. He was the chief cook of the temper till his health deteriorates recently. There were times when I realy wish to put down everything here and go to Thailand to visit the temper. Grandpa says I can stay there as long as I want because it belong to me too.

Now that grandma is in hospital, he visited her every morning and stayed with her till late at night. While my parents were returning back with grandpa from hospital, they noticed he was limping, perhaps due to the everyday travelling to and fro hospital. I cannot understand why my aunts were all too busy to even pick him home. All my aunts were saying that grandma's time is almost up and discussing about splitting the jewelleries left behind. My thinking is if grandma's illness were to drag on, grandpa might be the first to die due to tireness.... Sometimes I really wish to visit grandma at the hospital but thinking of how badly she treat mum in the past, i can't forgive her.....