Last fight...

Spent the last few nights out with Mew... Perhaps both of us are in the same shit. We clinged on to a relationship that does not belong to us...

I haven't been in contact with J for a long time... I don't have the courage to do so as I don't know how I would react when I know she is married... so I choose to avoid knowing anything. I believe if she is mine, she will return someday... The day that she return, she will never leave me again.

Boss is leaving for U.S again tomorrow for a week... Sight.. gotta run the show again. I am really tired at times, really feel like giving up on them and everything... Why can't they put themselves in my shoe and think?? If I had the choice, I would want to be nice to everyone and be happy at work too but can I?? Can I take everything easily and things still run smoothly?? I tried to let go slowly for them to run the show but things get messed up and I get blamed for it. Will they ever understand why I have to be harsh on them, will they ever understand that I am doing for the sake of the group. I want to make everyone in the group proud, I want others to look up on our group. Since I was in Airforce, I was taught be the best of the best. I feel that I had done my best to be at the top since I joined this company. But now, I can't do so anymore.... I have lost the support of my EAs, I am placed in a very disadvantage position & my competitors are too strong. I agree that the main reason we work is for money but that is not everything for me. If I want to leave, there are jobs waiting for me right now offering the same salary but I still don't wan to surrender, I still don't want to admit that I had lost...

I will give myself another 3 months to put up a last fight... If I still can't make any significant improvement of the group, I will choose to leave... For the first time, I surrender... Hope it won't happen. Cause I am afraid if I walked away this time, I will always choose the easy way out in future..... Hope I will have the strength to turn the situation around...