Pissed....

I lost my hp within 3 mintues out of my sight. I am dead sure that he is the one who took it but what can I do without proof?? I can't possibly search him but he is the only one in the changing room moping the floor. I didn't wanna be accused to saying its him just because he is a cleaner but I walked out of the room and returned within 3 f**king minutes and its gone.

Every single message from J is gone too. I've kept every single message from her since the day we met till today...... Although I never had the courage to read through the message nowaday but its all in my mind.

Maybe I should take this opportunity to really be alone without hp. No one in the world can contact me. Simply work and drink, drink and work .....

Turn Back Time....

Oh my gosh, I worked from Sunday 8am till 3am this morning. Before I knew it, I am back to the company by 8am again till 8.30pm tonight. In another 9 hrs, I will be back to company till 8.30pm again. This afternoon while I was taking a short nap on my chair in the office, I heard a voice in my head asking me 'If you could turn back time, where would you wanna start your life again?' Before I could answer, my phone rang and I had to rush for work again..

Today is the first day my boss left for Japan and I could hardly cope with everything happening at the same time. I could hear my name over the PA system the whole day, everyone seems to be finding me at the same time. By the time I got on the bus at 8.30pm, I started to realise I am tired, very tired. One thing about me is, if I don't step out of the company, I will never feel tired. I don't know where the energy comes from but I can work for 48hrs without sleep.

The question came to my mind again while I was on the bus tonight. If I could turn back time, I would wish to start all over again on the 16th of September 1999. That was the time when everything was going well for me. I graduated from SP that year with a Diploma in Mechanical Engineering and was posted to SBAB. I got to know E that year too and spent the following 3 years together....

Well back to reality, life is all about work and drink, drink and work....

.....................................

Just down a bottle of Merlot at home, suddenly all the memories of Skyline flash through my mind. I am f*king blur now, how I wish I will never ever wake up again after this.......

Sales Engineer?? Salesman sound better

Last Friday at the meeting, my boss announced that I'll be taking over our group as the engineer as he will be busy with the new plant. However... there is no official promotion 'for the time being'. Meaning...?? I will only be an acting engineer... drawing the salary of a senior engineer assis but doing the job of the engineer... So whats the catch?? The post will be locked for me till I am ready for it.

Reason?? I just had my promotion last year and if I were to be promoted again, alot of people will jump...and I am still not there yet. In the first place, where is there or how do I get there???

I have to admit I myself am not ready for this position too, perhaps if in a smaller company, I will sit on it with confident but in a multi-national company where the minimum criterial for engineer is degree, I really can't do it now. Some poly fresh grads I know of are also holding the post of engineer too but is it just a title?? Whats the difference between a scientist and an engineer?? Maybe their answers would be 'different spelling'....

I rally hate to say this but I have encounter numerous engineers who failed to even be a technician yet they are called engineer. Sales engineer are the worst among all. Why don't they just be truthful to themselves and call salesman?? Just because they are selling some stuff used in the engineering industries that's why they are called engineer?? Then is a pimp called a f**ker since he sell sex?? Next on the list is project engineer, I have encountered some so-called project engineer whose jobs are actually just coordinater or simply middle man. Basically anyone who know how to send email or use the telephone can fit the job. If you ever call the pumber yourself when your toilet chocked or the contractor to renovate your kitchen cabinet, you have qualified to be a project engineer.

Recently we had just recruited a few new guys. I had to access their performance and to guide them. There are those who look promising and there are also those whom I question about their capability. Being smart and acting smart is 2 different thing. You can try to smoke around but if I see through your smokescreen, you are as good as a dead man. I totally agree with what my boss always say, 'its okay to be stupid but be hardworking and responsible. ' 'If you are smart but lazy and irresponsibe, you are as good as useless.' Maybe thats also what I want from my guys now....

Who Am I??

At times I drink till I dropped, at times I cries when I am drunk....Is that really me??? Who am I in the first place?? Who am I before all these happened?? I don't have the answer.... Why am I going through this?? I haven't really talk to anyone since that fateful night...Spent my time working and drinking...I wonder when will I see myself buried 6 feet under...Maybe the day will come soon.....What happens when a person pass away and what's left behind?? Just a name I guess.... A close friend of mine commit suicide years ago, no one knew the reason till today. What was he thinking at that moment, what went through his mind at that instant he jumped??

I was once a professional gamber or should I say a conman. I had lost thousands in a night, I had won thousands in a night, There wasn't any fear...Why did I fell so badly this time when I lost?? Its been a long time but I still can't get on my feet... I tried, I did tried but in vain. Everyday I wake up living in May 2005. Today I had given up trying...I had to give up. Even my most precious belonging will be gone in no time...What can I look forward to....

I can basically feel the knife stabbed right through my heart, its very very painful. I could hardly breathe...I am tired hanging on..... I am starting to lose my senses..maybe I won't feel so bad when I can't see...

What would you do...

J: '...what would you do if I leave you for someone else...'

A: '...I'll respect your decision and disppear from your life.....'

J: '....what if I regret someday and want to find you back....'

A: '....3 years later I'll come back to you to ask for second chance.....'

J: '.....so long?? 2 years can?.....'

A: '...Actually I'll always be around when you need me.....somewhere out there as your guiding star always taking care of you till the last sunset...'

What day is it??

Today afternoon I received a sms from Miss K. Its been quite sometime since we last talked. Perhaps we are both busy with our own world or perhaps something is holding us back. Anyway the conversation today came to no ending too. There are things beyond my control and that I can't force.

Tried to keep myself real busy today rushing here & there hoping I will tired myself out and drop straight on bed when I am home. But it didn't happen this way, i am so wide awake listening to Collin Raye and blogging here. I basically walked around blindly hoping that I won't know what day is it today.

To me for 2 person to be together whether as friends or couples, the most important criterial is honesty & sincerity. If its too diffcult for you, then I shan't force you....

Somebody Else's Moon

I look out the window and stared at the moon. Somewhere out there, you must be enjoying the beautiful sky too.... I saw you on the street the other day, we brushed past each other but you didn't notice me. I turned and look at your back slowly disappear out of my sight....

Some things meant not be will never meant to be I guess... I've never hesitate to offer my help all this while. I don't know why you have the thinking that I helped with a motive... If I have a motive, it would only for you to be happy and living well. Is that the impression of me all along?? Love can't be forced and I never even tried to. All I ask for is for the woman I love to be loved and cared...even if I am not the one to do so.

The last things you asked of me....thought I am very unwilling as thats the last I have of us but if it will make you happy... I will agree to it... That has always been my strength to carry on striving at work....Maybe its really time to let go of it and myself.....

Someone You Used To Know

I'm not gonna lie to you and say it didn't hurt.
To see you with someone new and you wearing my old blue shirt.
But it didn't kill me until we say hello.
And I became someone you love to someone you used to know.
Like a friend, like a fool, like someone you knew in school.
Didn't we love, didn't we share or don't you even care.
I know we said we were through but I never knew how quickly I would go from someone you love to someone you used to know.....

Set your goals right

Someone once told me, repeating the same thing everyday and expecting a different result is call stupidity. I guess this law applies to everything we do. If you are doing what everyone is doing and still expect to be higher in ranking, then I would suggest to you to dream on it. Its never easy to climb the coporate ladder, you might be very popular among your colleagues but being Mr popular or Mr Nice guy will get you nowhere. If you were to ask anyone on top, most are not popular among the colleagues yet it doesn't matter to them. Get the goals clear, it the people on top that judge you or promote you not your colleagues. Of cos being Mr popular has its advantages too, you can get certain things done easily than having to go through the proper channel and can help easily. People can give positive comment about you to your boss but all still depends on your performance. If you are capable, you still can get things done through the proper channel set by the company.

....

Why must you force me to the wall?? I have given in and walked away. Do you have to take eveything I have left away??

First Day

Today is the first day since Ed resigned last friday. I had to manage 2 teams till my colleague from night shft transfer to day shift to lead the other team next week. The first day already drained out all my strength. Didn't had the time to really do my own stuff. Always thought I am good at management but I find that the worse part is managing people. Everyone is an individual whom you can't handle using the same method yet had to be on the fair side. Really feel like throwing in the towel and leave like Ed. But I just don't feel like giving up so easily after all the effort I had put in all these while and I had promised someone I will be make it.

Its hard to be on the top especially alone, caught between my boss and my men. Had to do it his way and to make my men understand my situation. So in the end, I choose not to explain at all. All these while in the company, lots of people are talking behind my back. About my drinking habit, vagular, unfriendliness and rude. I never once attempt to explain, I just wanna prove to people with my capability....

DrinkDrankDrunk

He drinks to forget.....
He drank to remember.....
He is drunk cos he can't forget....

An Angel

I hid in the darkness for a long long time...One day, I chanced upon a fallen angel. She was badly wounded and couldn't get on her feet. I carried her on my back and walked out of darkness. Along the way, we shared our past and exchanged our vows. As days passed by, her wounds were healed and she returned to heaven....I returned to darkness....Every night I prayed to God hoping she will never be hurt again....

As children bring their broken toys for us adults to mend, I brought my broken heart to God. I stood around and tried to help with ways of my own. After a long time, I snatched back my heart and cried : 'What took you so long??' God turned to me and said: 'What can I do my son? You never let go.....'

Friend or colleague??

Today we had a sumptuous dinner at work today to bid farewell to our dear colleague, Ed. Tomorrow will be his last day and we are planning to go down to Barden Barden at Holland V for some nice beer and pork knuckle. I always love Barden Barden, a nice restuarant cum pub. They serve nice food and German beer. The only minus point about it is you are only allow to smoke after 9.30pm which is fine for me too as it sounds reasonable for dinner stop at 9.30pm.

Erdinger dark has become my favourite beer and they serve in draft which makes it perfect. You can taste the sweetness in it and it not gassy thought the foam is thick. 0.5 litre is defintely not enough for anyone who enjoy beer that makes it wonderful to be there during happy hours. I can't wait to down 2 litres of it.

Okay back to the main topic, Ed is really a nice guy, so nice that I am worried for his survival outside the company. He has very good temper and very helpful. He will not hesitate to share with you his knowledge and never harbour any ill intention towards anyone. When I first joined this company, he taught me alot and guided me through my presentations. At a workplace, you have lots of colleagues and unavoidable...enemy but only few you call friend. He is one of the few good man I would defintely regards as my friend. Alot of my seniors had left over the months and he is the last left standing till today. As of tomorrow, I will be fighting the war alone. The worst position in all trades is to be caught between the worker and the boss. Its hard to keep a balance at times answering to the boss's deadline and pushing your group members. If you do it yourself, you have poor people management and the boss would ask why should he promote you if you still have to do it. If you can't produce the result on time, you have poor time management and again the boss would ask why should he put so many people under you if you can plan and distribute the workload.

Anyway there's still beer in this world so why should I be troubled by all these. Just enjoy the beer while I can still afford the time. Life is all about being sober and drunk. There is never a clear line in between. At times, the more you drink, the more clear your mind is.

Too Old to love??

Yesterday I read an article on the TNP regarding a couple kissing and petting at the void deck in broad day light. Sounds common?? How about old couples of age over 60 kissing and petting at the void deck in broad daylight with a baby in between?? How do you feel now??

I really don't understand about this. Are they too desperate or shall I say young at heart?? The reporter spied on the couples and the girl err...old auntie actually masturbate for the old uncle in public. I can't believe that this is actually happening in Singapore. One more thing, the old auntie is actually married!! How should I describe her?? Wild little kitten or old hagged pussy?? I think they are insane to be doing this with a baby around!!

I would have just keep my mouth shut if they were to do behind the doors. Let's say the heading on TNP were to be 'Old lovers found dead in hotel while having sex' sounds okay to me. There's no age limit to falling in love or even making love or even cheap thrill but we don't need free show.